


Lazarus

by GreyHaven



Category: Haven (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Temporary Character Death, Consent Issues, Drinking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Loss, M/M, Multi, Post-Canon Fix-It, Smut, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, hunger
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-16 18:30:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 28,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10577052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreyHaven/pseuds/GreyHaven
Summary: A (mostly) canon compliant fix it fic, picks up after ghost!Duke, post-Armoury/Barn, fills in the gaps to the epilogue, incorporates the epilogue and carries on from there.First 2 chapters originally posted on my Tumblr, so if you've read them skip to chapter 3 :)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to those who have offered advice and moral support, it's because of you that I actually finished this and posted it. You're all awesome :D

Duke turned away from Dwight, he knew Haven would be safe now.  It was time to move on.  Within a few steps he found himself in a dark, barren, world.  It resembled the way Nathan had described the Void.  He walked, wondering what he was doing there.  This wasn’t quite how he’d pictured the afterlife.

He didn’t know how long he’d walked, the light was dim and grey, the trees blackened, the landscape flat and rocky.  Time seemed to move differently here.  He didn’t feel tired, or hungry, or thirsty.  He wondered if he should be feeling pain.  He had died after all, shouldn’t that hurt?

He caught a glimpse of a shining light in a cluster of trees.  Aha, this was more like it, walk towards the light, that’s what everyone said when you died.  Go into the light.  Right, he had a plan.  This was good.

As he drew closer, the light resembled itself into a door.  A bright white, shining, door.  He took a deep breath and turned the handle.

Now this seemed more like it!  A bar.  A very bright bar, and it seemed a little too clean, but it was still a bar and there was definitely alcohol in it.  He looked around.  Actually it looked a lot like the Gull.  Ok, that was a bit weird, but, he reflected, running the Gull had probably been the happiest days of his life, so maybe it was appropriate.

“Good evening Mr Crocker.  Your usual?”  Duke spun to see who was speaking.  His mouth gaped open as he took in the beautiful woman in front of him.  This was definitely more like it!  A beautiful woman and alcohol.  Yes, this was his idea of the afterlife.

“You must be an angel,” he grinned, taking the whisky she offered.

The woman grinned back, green eyes sparkling.  “No, I’m definitely not that.”

A thought crossed Duke’s mind.  “You’re not...this isn’t….”  He knocked back his whisky in one gulp, suddenly terrified of the answer.

“The devil?  Hell?  No, Duke, that’s reserved for REALLY bad people.  Investment bankers, war mongers, Hitler.  You know, really bad people.”  She poured him another whisky.

Duke breathed a small sigh of relief.  “So, where am I?  What exactly is this?”

“Simple.  It’s a way stop on the road to Heaven.  Some souls go straight there, others get a choice.  You have a choice.  I’m here to explain and to help you in making that choice.”

“Choice?  Heaven or Hell?  I’m not sure that’s much of a choice.”  Duke knocked back his second whisky.

“Ok, so this bit isn’t quite so simple.  You’re one of God’s special people, Duke, so you get a choice.  You can go to Heaven, you can see Jennifer, Dave, Evi.  It’s a good place.”

“Wade?”  Duke asked quietly.

“No, I’m sorry.”  She didn’t elaborate, but Duke had known there would be a place in Hell for Wade.

She continued.  “There’s something for everyone.  It’s not personalised, but we have most things you could want.  Sex, drugs, rock n roll, to coin a phrase.  And alcohol.  There’s even country music if that’s what floats your boat.  Or, you can go back.  God’s done it before.  Of course doctors think it’s something called Lazarus syndrome, but it’s all God’s work.”  She paused, pouring another whisky.

Duke thought for a moment.  “Why am I here?  I don’t even believe in God, surely that’s enough to send me to Hell?  Not to mention all the bad shit I’ve done.  I’ve killed people.  How the hell does that get me here?”  The third whisky goes the same way as the first two.

She laughed at him.  “God doesn’t care what you believe.  You’re a special person.”

“With everything I’ve done, how can He believe that?  What’s special about me?”

She laughed again.  “For starters, God is a woman.  She’s cool.  Very relaxed.  And she sees  _ everything _ .  She knows what you’ve been through, what you’ve done and why you’ve done it.  She thinks you got a raw deal and you didn’t deserve to die, so you have this choice.”

Duke was astonished at that.  After everything he’d done?  He couldn’t understand why God would choose him to go back, and not...well, he couldn’t really think of an example.

“You’re wondering why, aren’t you?  There are so many innocent lives lost, you don’t feel like you deserve a second chance.”  It was as though she could read his mind.  

Duke’s only reply was to nod, his thoughts not coherent enough to speak.

“Ok, it’s quite straightforward.  Children are always called straight to God.  She doesn’t think it’s fair that they should have to go back with the memories of dying.  People with serious injuries, terminal illnesses, they’re called straight to her as well, because sending them back will cause them more pain.  So she’s selective.  Only people who could recover get the choice.”  She paused to slide another whisky to him.  “As for you...well, you got pretty well screwed over.  Lousy parents, town hated you, that made you who you were.  Yet you still gave your life for your friends, for your town.  You turned your life around, Duke, and you deserve the chance to go back and live it.”

Duke swallowed hard.  He hardly dared to believe she was right.  God thought he was worth it?  That blew his mind.  It was almost too much.  He ran his hands through his hair and sighed deeply.  “How long do I have to think about it?”

She smiled.  “As long as you need.  I’ll be here to talk you through it, to answer any questions you might have.  There’s no time limit.  But once you choose, that’s it.”

“If I go back, can I die again?  Or do I stay there until the end of time?”

“You can die, so it might be a good idea to stay out of trouble,” she winked.  “Normally, those who go back live a long and happy life before they die of old age.  God can’t make the body immortal.”

“And if I go on, can I change my mind?”

“No.  Once you’re there, you’re kind of stuck there.  But it’s a good place, you won’t be bored.”

“What about checking on my friends, those who are still alive, can I do that?”

“No, in the same way that if you go back, you can’t check on your friends in Heaven.”

“And my friends in Heaven, are they…?”

“They’re fine, happy.  It’s that sort of place.”

Duke nodded, pleased to know that they were all good.  It helped to make up his mind.  They were happy, safe.  Back in Haven, well he didn’t know how his friends were, anything could be happening.  They needed him more.

“I think I want to go back.”  He said, quietly, not believing what he’d just said.

“Are you certain?  It won’t be easy.”

Duke laughed hollowly.  “Since when has life ever been easy?!”

She chuckled in reply.  “Ok.  Well, it’s been about 6 hours since you died so word won’t have got out yet, there shouldn’t be too much explaining to do.”

“Do you know what’s happening with the Troubles?  Did Audrey and Nathan get the new Barn running?”

“In a way.  The Troubles are over.  Best that someone there fills you in, it’ll seem strange if you know everything that happened while you’ve been dead.  God doesn’t like people to be too certain of the afterlife, causes a sudden influx of people in a rush to get here.”

“How do I go back?  Will it hurt?”  Duke was suddenly filled with fear.  Dying was fine.  Pain, not so much.

“Not at all.  All you do is walk through that door over there,” she gestured to the door marked exit.  “No pain, it’ll just be like waking up.  You might be a bit breathless for a couple of moments, like being winded.  Any injuries you incurred will still be there, so don’t try rushing about.”  She warned.

Duke stood, knowing he could do this.  He made his way to the exit and looked back over his shoulder.  She was wiping glasses before putting them away.  “Hey,” he called.  She looked up.  “I didn’t catch your name.”

She laughed in reply.  “Duke, I’m God.  Now piss off out of my bar so I can get back to Heaven.”

Duke smiled at that, mind blown.  He opened the door and walked through.


	2. Chapter 2

Duke jolted awake and immediately began to panic.  Where was he?  He couldn’t move, it was so dark he couldn’t see and he couldn’t hear anything.  He took a deep breath and shouted, his voice echoing in what he knew must be a small chamber.  He tried to move in the small space, noticing the metallic sounds his movements created.  His mind couldn’t make sense of it.  Was he in a car trunk?  Whose car?  No, that couldn’t be it, he realised he was lying flat out, he was too tall to do that in a car trunk.  So where the actual fuck was he?

Nausea took over as he realised where he was.  He shouted again, wincing at the loudness of his voice in the morgue refrigerator.  He had to make someone hear him!  He threw his weight around as he shouted.

Footsteps approached, it sounded as if they were running towards him.  A bang as the door was opened and he could just make out light through the sheet that was covering him.  He felt a jolt as the tray was moved and gasped in air gratefully as the sheet was pulled back.  He blinked in the strong light and raised an arm to shield his eyes.

“You’re all right kid, just take it slowly.”  The voice belonged to Gloria, he knew.  “You gave me quite the fright there, never seen Lazarus syndrome before.”

Duke sat up slowly, pulling air deep into his lungs.  God had been right when she said it wouldn’t be easy.  Waking up in a morgue fridge.  Definitely not his idea of fun.  He wondered momentarily whether he’d made the right decision.

“Don’t you check if people are dead before you put them in there?!”  He snapped at Gloria.

“I did, kitten.  I checked, checked and checked again.  You were gone.  This can happen sometimes.  It’s not often, and never after this long.  You’re a medical miracle.  Now keep still while I check you out.”

Duke did as he was told, letting Gloria fuss around him.  He noticed the redness of her eyes, the drawn expression, and pulled her close into a hug.  “I’m OK, Gloria, I’m back, I’m sorry for scaring you.”

Gloria patted him on the back.  “I’m so sorry you had to come round in there.  I’m just glad I was here doing paperwork.”  She gasped and dashed out of the room.

***

Nathan’s phone rang insistently.  He felt deflated.  All of this and he’d still lost Audrey?  He’d killed his best friend and failed to save his lover, his partner.  He sighed, shakily.  The Troubles were over.  It was worth it.  Maybe.  He set his jaw and pressed the answer button.

“Wuornos,” he answered.

“Nathan, honey, it’s Gloria.  You’d better get down here, now.”

“What’s going on?  The Troubles are over, there  _ can’t _ be anything I need to worry about.”

“Trust me, you’re gonna want to see this for yourself.”

Click.

Nathan stared at his phone for a moment.  Why couldn’t she have called Dwight?  He pulled himself into his truck and made his way to the morgue.

**

Nathan didn’t know what he was expecting when he walked into the morgue, but the sight of a dishevelled Duke sitting on the gurney and kicking his heels wasn’t it.  He stopped in his tracks, his voice frozen.

“Nate.”  Duke said, easily.  “I don’t suppose you have any spare clothes, do you?  Apparently,” he glared at Gloria, “mine are in the incinerator.”

She shrugged in reply.  “Wasn’t like you were gonna need them.”

Nathan crossed the room in two strides and pulled Duke into a bear hug.  He couldn’t trust his eyes, he needed to FEEL him.  Oh God, he could feel again.  Feel someone’s touch when he had only felt Audrey’s for so long.

“Hey,” Duke said, hugging him back.  “It’s OK, I’m here.”

A strangled sob escaped from Nathan.  “I’m so sorry, Duke,” he choked out.

“I know, I know you are.  It’s fine, I’m fine, it’s all good.”

They parted, Nathan staring at him, still disbelieving.

“Now, can we sort me out with some clothes and some alcohol?  I am  _ really _ feeling the need to get drunk.”

Nathan nodded and waited while Duke wrapped the sheet around himself like a toga.

Gloria patted them both on the back and watched them leave together.  She sighed a huge sigh of relief.  It was over.  The Troubles were over.


	3. Chapter 3

Nathan and Duke made their way to the surprisingly undamaged Bronco without speaking, they got in and Nathan started driving.

The damage the town had sustained made it look like a war zone.  Crumpled buildings, fallen trees, the roads now resembling dirt tracks where the tarmac had shattered.  Duke felt sick, knew he was responsible for this.  Why had he been given the opportunity to come back?  Why him and not one of the others?  He couldn’t help but feel it was a cruel joke, that he was here to suffer, to atone for what he’d done.  Why had he made the decision to come back?  There was nothing he could do that would make up for the destruction he’d caused.  Maybe he should have gone on.  That would have been better.  Easier.  Still, he reflected, at least he knew there was something to go on to, and he knew how to get there.

Nathan tried to wrangle his thoughts into order.  Dealing with feelings, emotions, that was more Audrey’s thing, and Audrey wasn’t here.  On the one hand, there was relief.  The Troubles were over, the town was safe, and he could feel again.  On the other, there was grief.  Audrey was gone.  All they’d worked for, after everything they’d been through, everything he’d done to try to stop it, she’d had to leave anyway.  He stole a glance at Duke, not quite believing that he was back.  He still didn’t understand that, how could someone be dead, completely and utterly dead, and come back?  He wasn’t complaining, he remembered all too well how he’d felt when Duke had been gone for 6 months, believed to be dead.  That had been his fault as well.  How could he possibly make things right with Duke?  Could he?  Or would Duke leave, as he had so many years before, sailing off and leaving Nathan behind?

It took them longer than it should have to reach the Rouge, dodging their way around the mess that was once Haven.  Duke breathed a sigh of relief when she came into sight.  Somehow, miraculously, she was unscathed.  A few new dents, perhaps, but floating,  _ whole _ , and that was all he needed right now.

Nathan followed Duke on board, not ready to let the other man out of his sight yet.  He sighed deeply, thinking about how to rebuild the town, but for tonight it was safe.  For tonight, he would grieve.  And yes, he would probably drink.  The town could live without him for one night.  One goddamn night.  He would be Detective Wuornos again tomorrow, but for tonight he would be Nathan and while he’d try to keep it together, he definitely wasn’t going to beat himself up if he fell apart.  Duke disappeared into the depths of the ship and Nathan sank onto the sofa.  The disadvantage of being able to feel again is that he knew just how tired he was, how much his muscles ached, how much his  _ bones _ hurt.  He stretched his legs out, his head falling back as he reflected on the past 24 hours.

Duke checked everything as he went, making sure the ship was safe, looking for unseen damage.  God, it was cold.  He shivered, mentally telling himself that the next thing he had to do was to find some clothes.  The ship first, though.  That was more important right now.  He got the heater fired up, flipped the trip switch so the electricity hummed again, and turned the water pump on.  Everything else could wait, he could assess her for seaworthiness in the morning.  He headed to the sleeping quarters and threw on some clothes.  He desperately wanted a shower, wanted to wash the feel of death from himself.  Later.  Apart from anything else, the water wouldn’t be hot enough for hours, and he didn’t want to leave Nathan alone for too long.  What was he even still doing here?  He’d done his duty, made sure Duke was back where he belonged, surely he should be with Audrey now.  Oh.

Duke hurried back to the living area, pausing to grab a bottle of scotch on his way.  He found Nathan on the couch and was struck by just how  _ shattered _ he looked.  He was covered in bruises, his eyes were bloodshot, deep dark circles beneath them, but it was the expression on his face which gave Duke pause.  He wasn’t used to seeing emotion from Nathan and pure emotion was pouring from him in just a single glance.  The look was loss, grief, weariness, guilt, confusion.  Vulnerability was pouring from him, as though he would  _ break _ if Duke so much as said one unkind word.  He poured 2 glasses of whisky and passed one to Nathan before taking a seat himself and knocking back the drink in one gulp.

Nathan took the glass and gave a nod of appreciation.  He wasn’t ready to speak just yet.  He drained his glass and waved it in Duke’s direction, hoping that was enough to convey the message that he’d really quite like another one and ‘please don’t talk to me’.  The bartender in Duke read the message very clearly and he quickly refilled both glasses.

They sat in silence.  Nathan enjoying the burn of the alcohol, the warmth on his lips, flowing across his tongue and down his throat.  It had been so long since he’d felt that.  He wasn’t sure if he’d missed it or not but it was a relief to feel something, anything.  Duke waited patiently, knowing Nathan would speak when he was ready.

He did.  “She’s gone, Duke, I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t save her.”  Nathan’s voice was so quiet that Duke had to strain to hear him.  He reached out, taking Nathan’s wrist in his long fingers, wanting to offer some comfort.

Nathan drew strength from Duke’s contact.  “I failed.”  He said, the words sharp in his throat.

Duke shook his head.  “You didn’t fail, Nate, there was no way to win.”  Because there hadn’t been, the odds had been stacked against them all from the start.  He felt hollow.  He’d guessed, of course, when Audrey hadn’t arrived at the morgue with Nathan.  If she’d been ok she would have  _ been there _ .  That she wasn’t told Duke everything he needed to know.  He’d harboured a vague hope that maybe, just maybe, she was looking after someone more in need than he had been.  That had been dashed when Nathan followed him onto the Rouge and stayed.  He’d known then, but Nathan’s words still came as a blow, the confirmation bringing the dawning realisation that they’d both lost the most important person in the world to them.

The alcohol had loosened Nathan’s tongue, released the emotions bubbling below the surface.  He began to speak.  “Apparently the Barn had to be powered by love,” he spat out, practically tasting the bitterness in his voice.  “There wasn’t enough love left in Croatoan to power it, so it had to be Audrey.  She left me, Duke.  I know she had no choice, but she left me.”  The sadness overwhelmed him, and for the first time since he was a child, he broke down, tears falling down his cheeks, hot and painful.

Duke couldn’t bear the sight of him like that, not Nathan, strong and dependable Nathan.  He circled the table, sitting next to Nathan now, and folded his long arms around his friend, offering comfort in the only way he knew how.  There were no words, he felt the grief as sharply as Nathan did.  He had loved Audrey too, was devastated that it had to end like this.

Nathan took the comfort, still relishing being able to  _ feel _ , bitterly wishing it was Audrey holding him and not Duke.  He gave into it, sobbing freely now, feeling used up, feeling like there was nothing of him left, feeling the grief as a physical pain.  He felt the warmth of Duke’s arms, his body pressed close, could feel the rumblings in Duke’s chest as he murmured unintelligible noises of comfort.

When he had quietened, Duke broke away to pour them each another drink.  He didn’t have the words to help with this, to make it right, but he could be a bartender, could make sure they drank enough to forget, just for a little while.

Nathan drained his glass and stared at his hands, trying to order his thoughts.  Finally, he looked up, meeting Duke’s eyes for the first time.  He was struck by how dark Duke’s eyes were, how open, how trusting.  For so many years he’d seen nothing but wariness and humour in them.  He’d forgotten they could look like that.  He dropped his gaze.  He didn’t deserve to see those things in Duke’s eyes.  He’d killed him.  The only thing he should be seeing there was hatred, revenge, bitterness.  He spoke again, the words like gravel in his throat.  “I should go.”

Duke looked at him sharply.  “Why?”

“You don’t want me here, Duke.”

“If I didn’t want you here, you wouldn’t be.”  Duke kept his voice soft, not wanting Nathan to hear the frustration in his words.

“I killed you!  I actually fucking killed you.”  Nathan was close to shouting now.  He tried to push past Duke, make his way to the door.  

“I would have killed me too.  Not like you had any choice, hell, _ I _ didn’t even have any choice about what I was doing.  I was under Croatoan’s control, you had to stop me somehow and that was the only way to do it.”  Duke blocked Nathan’s path easily.  “I  _ understand _ , Nate, and I  _ forgive  _ you.”

Nathan shook his head, not fully understanding.  He sat back down, realising that trying to get past Duke was futile without resorting to blows and he didn’t want to go down that route.  “How can you?  I can’t understand it myself, I won’t ever forgive myself for it.”

“You think I haven’t done things I regret?  Things I won’t forgive myself for?  Forgiving someone else is easier.  All the lives I took?  The devastation I brought down on this fucking town?  You think that’s going to be easy to deal with?  The last thing I need to worry about is blaming you for something you had no choice in.”  Duke’s words were laced with controlled anger.

Nathan picked up his glass again, realised it was empty and put it back down.  Duke took the hint and refilled it.

“You’re right, I’m sorry, I was caught up in my own stuff, forgot that it isn’t easy for you either,” he acknowledged.

Duke was taken aback, sensitivity from Nathan?  That would take some getting used to.  Maybe it was a result of the Troubles ending?  Or alcohol?  Either way, he’d take it.  

“But, Duke, nothing you did was your choice.  It was all Mara, or Croatoan, even Audrey and me.  We made you into that.  Nothing was your fault.”  Nathan paused, taking in the look of pure disbelief on Duke’s face.  He went on, “Do you get that?  It wasn’t  _ your fault _ .  You are not to blame for any of this.  You want to apportion blame?  It has to be Croatoan, or Mara, or even William.  They brought the Troubles here.  Croatoan is gone, Mara is dead, and William is on his way back to his own world.  It’s over.  They are all over.”

Duke let go of the guilt he’d been carrying for what felt like years now, waves of it leaving him at Nathan’s words, wanting so desperately to believe he was right.  It was his turn to break down now.  It was over.  It was time to rebuild, a chance to be the man Audrey always knew he could be.  He would make her proud.

Nathan went to him, he couldn’t find the words any more.  He drew Duke in close to him, hugging awkwardly, as though he’d forgotten how to do it.  He held him as he cried.  One night, he reminded himself.  One night to fall apart.  He could pick himself up in the morning, be strong again in the morning.  He hoped Duke would be able to as well.


	4. Chapter 4

They woke tangled in each other, a jigsaw of arms and legs.  Neither of them could remember how they’d got to bed, how they’d ended up sharing Duke’s bed.  The combination of alcohol and a long overdue outpouring of emotions meant that exhaustion had come over them suddenly and the need for warmth, comfort, closeness, had overtaken any awkwardness they might have felt about sleeping next to each other.

Nathan woke early and made his way to the shower, fully intending to have left before Duke woke up.  He hadn’t bargained on the water pipes making so much noise and wasn’t surprised to find Duke in the kitchen when he’d finished.

“You’d better have left me some hot water,” Duke grumbled.

Nathan smiled at that, relieved to see it was business as usual this morning.  He glanced at Duke guiltily.  “Er, about that…”

Duke glared at him.  “What?!”

“Well....it’s the whole being able to feel again...I’d forgotten how good it felt to shower.  The warm water, you know…”

“Nathan, you’d better not have,” Duke gestured towards Nathan’s crotch, “in my shower!”

Nathan blushed a deep red.  “No,” he stammered, “no, that’s not what I meant at all!  I just didn’t want to get out...so there’s probably no hot water…” He trailed off.

Duke let out a sigh.  “Fine.  I’ll put the booster on.  You back for dinner?”

“Dinner?”  Nathan asked, confused.

“Well, I assume you don’t have any other plans and I hate cooking for one, so I thought you might like…”  It was Duke’s turn to trail off.

“Actually, that would be really good.  Lots to do, probably won’t get a chance to get out of town to do any shopping.  7 ok with you?”  

“Yeah, 7 is good.  I’ll head out, pick up supplies.  What you got planned for today?”  Duke was already making a mental list.  He  _ hated _ being out of food.

Nathan sighed.  “I don’t know where to start really, I need to find Dwight.”  A pang hit him as he thought of Dwight.  How had he been so selfish as to  _ forget _ ?  When the Troubles ended, Lizzie must have disappeared.  Dwight would be devastated.  He would go there first, see how he was doing.

That in mind, he dashed out, stopping briefly to clap Duke on the shoulder, hoping that conveyed everything he couldn’t say.

***

Duke took his time checking over the Rouge again.  She was fine, everything was working, she was seaworthy.  He was comforted by the thought that he had his escape route.  He wouldn’t leave  _ yet _ , had too much to make up for, wanted to help rebuild the town,  _ needed _ to be close to Nathan for a while, share their grief.  Just knowing that he  _ could _ leave made it easier.  

He gathered himself together, remembering where he’d left his Land Rover, wondering what sort of state it would be in.  The town had been cut off for  _ weeks _ , supplies of everything would be low.  Action plan in place, he walked through town to get his truck, making a mental list as he went.  Luckily it was undamaged and even started on the first turn of the key.  He roared out of town, briefly considering never coming back, knowing that he couldn’t do that, he couldn’t leave, not yet at least.

As he drove, he thought.  The route was so familiar, full of memories, everything reminding him of Audrey.  It  _ hurt _ , remembering her.  It didn’t seem real.  Hadn’t even been a day yet.  It hadn’t yet sunk in that he would never see her again.  He wondered what happened to the Barn, where it went.  He hoped she was safe, and happy, wherever she was.  Maybe they’d see each other again on the other side when the time came.  It was an odd sort of grief, he reflected.  He knew she was alive,  _ somewhere _ , and in that respect it was like a relationship ending - have a few bad days, pick yourself up, brush yourself off, put a mask on and you were fine again.  But knowing there was no way he would ever see her again, no way of contacting her...that was more like death and that was far more complex to deal with.  Time, apparently, was the only healer.  He sighed, concentrating on the road ahead.  He had time, he would take the time, there was no right or wrong way to grieve.  For now, he had more pressing problems to deal with.

***

Nathan made his way slowly across town, the devastation looking worse in the harsh daylight.  How had it come to this?  He sighed.  With Audrey gone, he could hardly bring himself to care, wanted to  _ wallow _ in self pity.  He wouldn’t allow himself that, though, he couldn’t.  There was a town to rebuild, people who needed...well, if not  _ him _ , then  _ someone _ to take control of it.

He needed to check on Dwight first, see how he was doing.  He wasn’t looking forward to this, contemplating how Dwight might deal with the grief of losing his daughter a second time.    His fingers gripped the steering wheel, he could feel the tension coursing through him.  It was a relief to feel again, but not at this cost.  He would have given up a whole lifetime of not feeling if all of this could have been avoided.

He parked up and made his way to Dwight’s front door.  His truck was parked in front of the garage so Nathan assumed he was home.  His stomach in knots, worried what reaction he would get, he knocked on the door.

Nathan was looking up as the door was opened, expecting to see Dwight’s tall bulk, so he was taken by surprise when he couldn’t immediately see the person who opened the door.  He smiled and bent down onto one knee.  “Hi.  You must be Lizzie.  Is your Dad home?”

The little girl grinned back and called back over her shoulder, smiling shyly at Nathan.  “Daaaad!”

Dwight came rushing to the door.  “Lizzie, what did I say about not answering the door?  It could have been anyone,” he admonished gently.  “Morning Nathan.”  He couldn’t contain his grin, though he knew he was one of the few people who had come out of this mess with anything to smile about.

“Dwight,” Nathan greeted, amiably.  “Got time to talk?”  This was going to be a very different conversation to the one he was expecting to have.

“Sure, c’mon in,” Dwight matched Nathan’s tone, stepping away from the door so Nathan could step through.

Nathan smiled as Lizzie skipped in front of them, her happiness contagious.  “Pleased for you, Dwight.  Mind me asking how…?”

Dwight shook his head, still not fully understanding it himself.  “Duke came to me, said that if I believed, she could stay...I just held onto that, and when I came home, she was here.”  He clapped Nathan on the back.  “I’m sorry about everything, man, I know how much you’ve lost.”

Nathan nodded in acknowledgement.  “How did Duke come to you?”  He couldn’t mask his confusion.

Dwight looked down.  “I thought for a minute I was cracking up.  Couldn’t work out how Duke was on the same beach as I was, but he told me that and he told me where to find you.  Wasn’t until after that I realised he must have been...a ghost.”  He looked faintly embarrassed to be admitting to seeing a ghost, believing in ghosts.

Nathan paled slightly as he realised he would have to explain Duke to Dwight.  “Does anyone else know he’s….”  He couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence, terrified that by saying the words, it would become real.

Dwight shook his head.  “No, I don’t think so, I didn’t tell anyone.”

Nathan breathed a sigh of relief.  “Good.  Don’t.  He’s alive and well.”

Dwight just stared at Nathan in shock.  “Bu...wha…?”

Nathan nodded, the grin back on his face.  “Lazarus Syndrome, apparently, he woke up in the morgue fridge, scared the life out of poor Gloria.”

“Wow.”  Dwight clapped a hand on Nathan’s shoulder.  “How is he?”

A puzzled look crossed Nathan’s face.  He didn’t know how to answer that.  “Physically, he’s fine, Gloria checked him out.  Emotionally, well, about as good as me.”  He squashed the feelings down inside himself.  This was  _ not _ the time for self pity.  He had to be strong.

“Sorry, man, anything I can do?”

“Help me rebuild the town.  You’ve got experience with ‘cleaning’, could really use your help.”  Nathan decided to be forthright, there was no point sidestepping around things with Dwight.

Dwight folded his arms and looked at Nathan, seeing just how tired he looked, how close to the edge he seemed.  Rebuilding the town was probably all he was hanging on to right now.  He nodded.  “Ok, on two conditions.”

Nathan looked at him expectantly.

“One, you can have my badge back now, today.  I’m done with being Haven’s cleaner.  I’ll help you because I want to, but it’s no longer my duty.  Two, Lizzie is my top priority, I’ll work 8 til 5 and that’s it, and only if I can find someone to watch her during the day.”  Dwight leaned back, waiting for Nathan’s response.

“Fine, on both counts.  Vickie watches Aaron when Gloria’s working so it would be worth asking her if she could watch Lizzie too.  Thanks, Dwight, appreciate it.”  Nathan reached out to shake the other man’s hand.

“No worries, man, happy to help, sorry I had to put conditions on it, but things have changed.  Once I’ve done all I can do, Lizzie and I will be moving away.”

Nathan nodded, he could understand that, the thought of leaving was incredibly tempting.  He knew he would stay though, see this through.  “Take the day, see you at 8 tomorrow?”

Dwight nodded.  “See you then.”

**

Nathan made his way around the town, taking stock of the damage, his heart heavy as he saw what his town had  _ become _ .  He made notes, working out what to do, prioritising, starting to organise, working out a plan.  There was so much to do, he could barely think where and how to start.  This would be so much easier with  _ Audrey _ .  He stopped his thoughts there, wouldn’t allow himself to think like that.

It took hours, the going slow and treacherous.  Safety had to be the first priority, making sure they could get around town without buildings or trees coming down.  Then services, get power and water back to everyone.  Then rebuilding.  It would take months.  Years even.  He felt daunted by the scale of the task ahead of him, wondered briefly if external help might be coming.  He shut down that thought, it was dangerous to rely on that.  Maybe communications should be the top priority, at least get a radio working and see who he could reach.  Tomorrow, he thought, wearily.  They were all safe enough for now.  They had a long road ahead of them but the immediate threat was gone.

He checked his watch, 6 o’clock.  Just enough time to check his  _ own _ house before meeting Duke.  That was strange, he thought, Duke being nice to him.  He wasn’t complaining, it was just  _ unexpected _ .  He supposed it was their shared grief.  He didn’t have anyone left, neither did Duke.  Maybe it was better to be alone together.

He reached his house.  He never had been able to think of it as  _ home _ .  It had been his father's house before his, and there was definitely more of Garland in it than there was of Nathan.  Still, it was reassuring to find it still standing.  He quickly made his way through the house, checking everything, stopping to collect a change of clothes.  He could shower at Duke’s, he didn’t fancy a cold shower.  That was definitely a downside of his Trouble being gone, having to make sure there was always hot water.

He threw his bag into the Bronco and started to make his way to the Rouge.  He did a double take as he passed the high school which was still serving as a shelter for those people who hadn’t been as lucky as him, who didn’t have a home to go back to.  Wasn’t that Duke’s Land Rover parked outside?  He swerved, his heart in his mouth.  Had something happened?

Duke came out of the double doors to the school as Nathan parked up.  Nathan breathed a sigh of relief.  Duke was fine, he was  _ here _ .  He jumped out and made his way across.

“Duke.”  He greeted him.

“Nathan.”  Duke replied

“What’s all this?”  Nathan gestured at the Land Rover's full trunk.

“Supplies.”  Duke shrugged.  “Figured people would be running low of everything.  Did a couple of runs up to Derry.  Got bottled water, bread, canned goods.  It’s not much but it’s a start.”  Duke’s eyes gleamed with something Nathan couldn’t immediately recognise.

“Why?  You didn’t need to do that.”  Nathan was surprised.

“You think I could sleep tonight, knowing there are hungry people and I could have done something to help?!”  Duke sounded offended.  

The penny dropped for Nathan, realisation hitting him like a sledgehammer.  Of course.  Duke had grown up hungry, never knowing where the next meal was coming from.  No wonder he had to do something.  Duke had stalked off, carrying the next two boxes of canned items.  Nathan picked up the last two and followed him.  

When he caught up to him, Duke turned away, he wasn’t ready to speak to Nathan yet.  He was tough, he could handle pretty much anything this fucked up world threw at him, but not that.  Not watching people going hungry.  And the fact that Nathan hadn’t understood?  Well, that wasn’t really a surprise, it had felt like the whole town had ignored what was happening to him, just because he was “a Crocker boy”.  Yeah, ok, he was still bitter about that.  It wasn’t really Nathan’s fault, Duke remembered him trying to get extra food for him, back before Garland had chased Duke away, not wanting his son to be associating with him.

Nathan reached out, grabbed Dukes arm, probably harder than he’d really meant to, just wanting to make sure he didn’t  _ leave _ again.  Duke tried to pull away, staring at Nathan’s hand as if that would make it drop his arm.  Nathan dug his fingers in harder, and Duke winced.  That would leave bruises later.  He shrugged, finally looking at Nathan, and Nathan relented, dropping Duke’s arm now that he had his attention.

“I’m sorry, that was stupid of me, I should have known.  Thank you for doing that, for making sure we aren’t hungry tonight.”

Duke wondered briefly if Nathan being able to feel again had also released his emotions.  Sorry and thank you?  He hadn’t known those words were even in the Wuornos dictionary, let alone that Nathan knew how to say them.  And the sincerity he’d said them with?  That was definitely...odd.

***

“Mind if I use your shower again?”  Nathan asked when they got back to the Rouge.  Duke had been satisfied that everyone had enough food for  _ tonight _ at least, and if he had to make daily runs to Derry to stock up then that’s what he’d do.

“Try to leave me some hot water this time.”  Duke tried to joke, but his heart wasn’t in it.

Nathan nodded and headed for the bathroom.

Showered and changed, he came back to the kitchen to delicious smells wafting from the oven.  He raised a questioning eyebrow to Duke, who ignored him.  Duke pulled his shirt off as he walked out of the room, somehow managing to pull off both actions at once as he said “Don’t touch  _ anything _ .  I mean it.  I will kill you.”

Nathan smirked slightly.  He didn’t have the vaguest idea how to cook anything and definitely wasn’t going to interfere with whatever Duke had cooking in the oven.  He risked a second glance at Duke’s semi-naked form disappearing out of the door.  Yeah, now was really  _ not _ the time to be thinking about that, and where had that thought come from  _ anyway _ .  That was long gone, the best part of 20 years long gone.  His face clouded as he remembered something Audrey had said to him, months ago, about why he hated Duke so much.  She had thought there was more love than hatred there.  He hadn’t seen it at the time, but losing Duke again, believing him dead for a second time, maybe there was an element of truth in what she’d said.  He had collected his thoughts by the time Duke came back, fully clothed now, and he watched as Duke started serving up a good portion of lasagne.

“Thanks for this,” he mumbled through a mouthful.  “‘Preciate it.”

Duke nodded in reply.  “Cooking for one always feels pointless, nice to have someone to cook for.”  He didn’t want to admit that he just didn’t want to be  _ alone _ , that he wanted to have someone around.  “How’s the town looking?”

Nathan groaned.  “Like world war three has broken out.  You’ve seen it, you know what I mean.”

Duke nodded again.  “Dwight on board with helping out?”

“Yeah, he doesn’t want to stay in an official capacity, but he’ll help us with the worst of it.  You know Lizzie stayed?  It wasn’t a Trouble.”

Duke deliberately kept his expression neutral.  “Yeah?”

“Yeah, you were right.  Dwight  _ believed _ and she stayed.”

“Shit.  Dwight remembered that?  Did you tell him…?”

Nathan nodded this time.  “Explained about Lazarus syndrome, he didn’t seem too concerned.”

Duke breathed a sigh of relief.  It looked like there wouldn’t be too much explaining to do.

Nathan went on.  “Did you check on the Gull?”

Duke winced as a pained expression crossed his face.  “Wrecked.  Months of work to get it right again.”  He didn’t know if he could face it.  He’d worked so hard trying to make an honest living with that place and now it was gone, destroyed.  He supposed he owed it to Bill, and to Jeff’s memory, to get it back up and running.  It would be tough, but so was he.  Other things were a priority though.

Nathan seemed to read his thoughts.  “I’ll help.  When I can.  Going to be less busy now the Troubles are gone.  You need to get it up and running again, people are going to need somewhere to drink, eat, laugh.”  Audrey had been right when she said that supporting the Gull would help Duke to escape his life of crime and smuggling.  Nathan didn’t want Duke slipping back into that, didn’t want Duke to leave again.  He would do whatever he could to make sure that didn’t happen.

Duke rested his chin on his hand, thoughtfully, stretching his other arm out behind him, along the back of the chair.  “You’re right.  We’ll get it up and running again.  Even if I have to do something temporary.  Alcohol is definitely going to be needed, it might as well be me selling it.”

That brought a smile to Nathan’s face, knowing Duke wasn’t giving up, was making plans for a future in Haven.

Duke carried on.  “Did you check on your place?  Everything ok there?”  He asked, worried that Nathan might have lost  _ everything _ , and here he was waffling on about a stupid  _ bar _ .

“Yup, all good.  No running water, no electric, but that’s no different to the rest of town.  I’ll manage.”  It briefly crossed his mind that he wouldn’t actually have  _ cared _ if his house had been one of the ones destroyed.  It wasn’t really his anyway.

Duke looked away, not wanting to look Nathan in the eye as he said, “you know, you can always crash here...everything’s running, probably be more comfortable…”  He stopped, not wanting to admit the real reason he’d said it, because it wasn’t  _ just _ that.  He didn’t want to be alone.  Oh, he was fine in the daytime, when he had things to do.  But he didn’t want to be alone with his  _ thoughts _ , with his  _ dreams _ .  He’d slept like a log last night but he was a vivid dreamer and he didn’t even want to  _ think _ about what his dreams might be like now.  He needed the comfort that Nathan could bring, the comfort he’d sought in the arms of different women over the years, always trying to replace what he’d had with Nathan, just that once, all those years ago.  Yeah, he was  _ definitely not _ saying that.

Nathan tried to cover up his gasp of surprise as a cough and ended up choking on a piece of garlic bread which accompanied the lasagne.  When he’d cleared it, in a coughing fit, he managed to croak out, “Only if you don’t mind, would be easier.”

“Wouldn’t have offered if I minded,” Duke replied easily, glad of the distraction Nathan had provided by trying to die on a piece of garlic bread.  “There’s only the one bedroom though, that gonna be a problem?”

Nathan blinked, trying to get a read on Duke who had made his face thoroughly neutral.  He looked Duke in the eye and said “Not for me.”

Duke sat back in his chair, spreading his long arms out and gave Nathan one of his dazzling grins.  “Good,” he said with a slight wink.


	5. Chapter 5

They fell into an easy rhythm after that, spending the days rebuilding, helping to put lives back together again.  Their nights were spent together, Duke cooking, Nathan clearing, sleeping together but not  _ sleeping together _ .  There were rumours flying around the town but they ignored them all.  It was no one else’s business even if they were sleeping together.  

Duke almost encouraged the rumours, being extra touchy-feely with Nathan if there was someone around who ‘disapproved’, which Nathan felt was somewhere between hilarious and awkward.  Why should anyone care if they shared a bed?  He thought it might have had more to do with the Chief of Police sharing a bed with a former smuggler than it did with the fact he was sharing a bed with another man.  He half wanted to tell them that they weren’t  _ together _ in that way but if he was honest with himself, he kind of wanted them to be together in that way and he didn’t want to have to backtrack if it ever did happen.  They’d both given up enough for this town and anyone who didn’t like it could...well, they could just fuck off.

The day of the memorial service was difficult, to say the least.  There had been so many bodies they hadn’t found, so many who had died when they hadn’t had time for marked graves, for funerals.  A memorial service felt  _ right _ .  The whole town was there.  Duke hadn’t wanted to be, said he could remember people on his own, thank you very much, but he had acquiesced when Nathan said he needed him there, couldn’t do it alone.  Duke had even dug out an old suit and brushed it off.  He almost passed as  _ respectable _ , at least if you ignored the slight bulge on his left side which Nathan knew immediately was a hip flask.  He rolled his eyes, realising that persuading Duke to leave that at home was a lost cause.  

Halfway through the service, Nathan thought that Duke might have the right idea of it after all.  Alcohol would be most welcome right now.  Names were read out, brief stories about their lives.  Nathan knew each one, and each name brought a fresh pang of guilt.  He could have  _ saved _ all of these people.  He didn’t know  _ how _ exactly, but he knew he should have done  _ more _ .  He nudged Duke, trying to indicate what he wanted without speaking.  

Without taking his eyes off the speaker, Duke reached into a pocket on his right side and passed Nathan the spare hip flask he’d brought.  He’d figured that one wouldn’t be enough.  Nathan drank as deeply as he could without drawing attention to himself.  He knew the next name would be Audrey’s and he wasn’t ready to hear what was going to be said without something to distract him.  Alcohol was as good a distraction as anything else.

They both tuned out the speaker as she spoke about Audrey.  They had known her better than anyone, they didn’t need to hear anyone else’s words about her.  Besides, she wasn’t  _ dead _ , she was just  _ gone _ , and it felt  _ wrong _ to include her in the list of names of people who had lost their lives.

It was over soon enough, and the people of Haven soon drifted away, either wanting to be alone, or amongst close friends and family, not wanting the reminders of what had happened, what they’d lost.

***

The next couple of weeks passed in a blur.  The Red Cross had arrived early on, making sure there were supplies, caring for people.  The gas, electricity and water companies were next, getting the town up and running again.  The insurance companies, of course, and as far as Nathan was concerned they were all vultures, all looking for a way not to pay out.  The clean up completed, the slow and painstaking task of rebuilding had begun.

Duke had the Gull up and running again.  It was basic, he couldn’t do food and he hadn’t managed to replace the jukebox yet so customers had to make do with Duke’s dubious taste in music from his ipod, but it was somewhere they could all come together, socialise, drink.  It helped.  It gave Duke a purpose, something to do, helped take his mind off things.  He was helping with town stuff during the day, not opening the bar til 6, and staying open until late.  He was exhausted, the tiredness showing in his drawn face, the lack of laughter, but he was able to sleep.  He had been right about the dreams, they were vivid, traumatic, almost nightmares.  For the first time, lucid dreaming wasn’t working.  Working himself to the point of exhaustion, coupled with a few drinks every evening, and they stopped.  The dreams stopped.

Nathan joined him for a drink most evenings, wanting the  _ normality _ that the Gull represented, aching because Audrey should have been there.  He could almost feel her presence upstairs, wanted to go up and…  Duke had told him the flat had been destroyed.  She wasn’t there any more.  He couldn’t bring himself to do it, he knew how much it would  _ hurt _ .  And wasn’t that a novelty?  Hurting.  It was only after his Trouble lifted that he realised just how much it had affected his emotions, that it wasn’t just physical.  Oh, they had still been there, but muted somehow.  Now it felt like he had a ball of messed up emotions inside, waiting to be released at the slightest provocation.  Alcohol helped with that, helped him to  _ not feel, _ and wasn’t  _ that _ ironic?

They staggered back to the Rouge, holding each other up after entirely too many drinks one Friday night.  Neither could walk in a straight line, both slurring their speech as they attempted conversation.  It was normally a short walk but it took them over an hour.  As they climbed on board the ship, Duke’s balance deserted him.  He wobbled at the top of the gangway, grabbed for the handrail and missed, falling heavily onto the deck.  Nathan sobered up fast, rushing to check on him.  He found Duke giggling in a heap and started trying to help him up.

“Ow.”  Duke was embarrassed by the squeak he made, falling silent as he was struck by the realisation that he might be injured.  He started moving, carefully, assessing which parts of him hurt.  Everywhere he touched was  _ painful _ .  It took him longer than it should have to realise that was because he’d hurt his  _ hand _ .  He giggled again.

Nathan crouched beside him.  “Where does it hurt?  Can you move?”  He didn’t  _ think _ it was anything serious, but it was difficult to tell when someone was drunk.  He recalled his first aid training and started to assess Duke for serious injury.

Duke pushed him away, scrabbling to stand up.  “I’m fine, I can manage.”  It was just his stupid hand, and he didn’t think it was even broken.  Bruised, maybe a sprained ligament or something.  Nothing serious anyway, and he really didn’t want Nathan fussing over him.

Nathan stood back, exasperated by Duke’s refusal to accept help.  He bit his tongue, the pleasant buzz from the alcohol subsiding completely, frustration creeping in.  He opened the door, waved Duke through.  Duke let him do that much, at least.

They sat, as had become their custom, at the table.  A bottle of whisky between them, both knowing they’d had enough to drink already, both knowing they wouldn’t stop just yet, needing the oblivion that alcohol could bring.

“Ya know,” Nathan started, “the power and water are both back on at my place now.”  They’d actually been back on for a week but he hadn’t wanted to tell Duke that.  “I should probably move back.”

“Not good enough for you here?”  Duke sneered in reply.  “Fed up of sharing a boat with a smuggler?”  He was drunk, not thinking clearly, not thinking rationally.  All he could think was that he was going to be alone, again, and he couldn’t take what felt like rejection.

Nathan was taken aback, surprised at Duke’s reaction.  He’d thought it just made sense.  He appreciated Duke letting him stay here, but they both had lives and he worried he was cramping Duke’s style.  “No, that’s not what I meant!”  His words came out more sharply than he’d intended.

Even in his drunken state, Duke moved fast.  He lunged across the table, grabbing Nathan’s shirt in his fist and hauled him to his feet.  He pushed him towards the door, fist balled against Nathan’s chest, gentle, but literally throwing Nathan out.  How had he been so stupid as to believe Nathan cared.  He had just been using him,  _ again _ , just until something better came along.  Why had he let this happen?  Was he so weak that he couldn’t stand up for himself?  So  _ pathetic _ as to see things which weren’t there, feelings which weren’t reciprocated?  He closed down those thoughts, now wasn’t the time.  “Just go, then, just  _ fucking _ go!”  He practically screamed at Nathan, slamming the door and leaning his back against it, sliding down to sit on the floor, his head in his hands.

Nathan was in shock.  Where had that come from?  He’d thought they were past this, past the misunderstandings, past the fighting.  He stared at the door for a moment, thinking about knocking, trying to talk things out.  He thought better of it and slowly, sadly, turned away and began to walk home.


	6. Chapter 6

Nathan didn’t sleep well that night, his first night alone since Audrey had gone into the Barn.  He was trying to make sense of the argument with Duke, hindsight told him that they should have had that conversation while sober, drink clouding their judgement, emotions running high.  Perhaps he should have eased into it more gently, maybe he should even have asked Duke here.  He doubted he would have come, but it would have softened the blow a little bit.

He didn’t see Duke at all that day.  He hoped desperately that he hadn’t left, hadn’t just packed up the Cape Rouge and sailed off into the sunset.  It was a long day, complications with rebuilding the station, something about wiring which he didn’t fully understand but apparently had to be there to supervise.  As the hours passed, he grew more and more anxious.

As soon as he could, Nathan escaped, groaning as he realised it was gone 7pm and Duke would be at the Gull.  He drove straight there, the roads cleared now, the town not looking quite so desolate.  His stomach tied itself in knots as he reached the Gull, only to find it dark and locked up.  No sign of Duke’s Land Rover.  He gripped the wheel hard as he drove back across town to the Rouge, only relaxing when the Land Rover and the Rouge both came into sight.  Duke couldn’t be too far away.

Nathan climbed aboard the dark ship, a thought crossing his mind.  Why hadn’t Duke put the lights on?  Oh, fuck.  He rushed to the door and started hammering on it, shouting Duke’s name, demanding that he opened the door.  “If you don’t answer the door right now, I swear to God I’m going to shoot the lock out!”

“Fuck  _ off _ , Nathan!”  Duke growled back from inside.

“No! Open the door.  Don’t make me go and get a warrant!”  Nathan practically screamed back.

The door was flung open.  “On what grounds, Chief Wuornos?  I haven’t done  _ anything _ , a fact you know full well given you were living here until last night!”  Bitterness dripped from Duke’s words.

Nathan shouldered his way in before Duke could slam the door on him and turned the lights on.  Christ, Duke looked awful.  His eyes were red, his clothes crumpled as though he’d slept in them and Nathan could smell the alcohol oozing out of his pores.  It briefly crossed his mind that maybe Duke hadn’t stopped drinking from last night.

In fact, he was right.  After he’d thrown Nathan out, Duke had carried on drinking.  He’d slept for a while, woken up and started drinking again.  He was more than three sheets to the wind, filled with the confidence that alcohol brings, not ready to back down on  _ anything _ .  His eyes met Nathan’s in a challenge.

“Well,  _ Nate _ , what do you want?  Did you forget something?”  Nathan could hear the sarcasm but pretended to ignore it.

“I was worried,” he shrugged, “hadn’t seen you all day, went to the Gull but it was closed up which is unusual for a Saturday.”  He paused, did Duke even know what day it was?  He took a deep breath and continued, “I wanted to apologise.”

“And you think threatening me with a warrant is the best way to do that?”  Duke glowered, eyes dark with anger, fuelled by alcohol and emotions.

Nathan looked away, not wanting a fight with Duke.  He took a seat, uninvited, hoping it wouldn’t prompt Duke to throw him out again.  “No, but it got you to open the door.”

Duke almost growled at that.  Typical  _ frustrating _ Nathan, all cool and calm logic.  He sat opposite Nathan, the table between them as a barrier, folding his long legs under the table.  He was glad Nathan had sat down first, hadn’t wanted to appear weak by wobbling on his feet, hadn’t wanted Nathan to notice how drunk he was.  Yeah, he had a feeling that was a lost cause, could hear his speech slurring slightly as he said, “Fine, whatever, say what you have to say and then go.”

Nathan looked at him.  Duke seemed so defensive, wary.  He hadn’t seen him like this for weeks.  His heart broke a little as he realised this was  _ his fault _ .  “I’m sorry, Duke.  That’s all I seem to say to you these days, I know, but I mean it.  I shouldn’t have just announced that I was moving back, I should have discussed it with you.”

Duke was staring at the table, desperately wanting to say the words, wanting to tell Nathan that he didn’t  _ want _ him to move out, that he  _ liked _ having him here.  He couldn’t let his guard down enough for that, anger was better, anger stopped people getting too close, kept him safe.

Nathan carried on, still marvelling that he could process and express emotions now, that he could  _ communicate _ .  “I was worried that I was in your way, cramping your style.  I didn’t mean that I don’t want to stay here.  With you.”  He stood to leave.  Duke didn’t seem to be listening, didn’t seem to be taking in what he was saying.  He tried one last time.  “I didn’t mean for you to think that I don’t appreciate what you’ve done, what you’ve offered me.  I just wanted to give you your space back.”

Duke’s defences crumbled at Nathan’s words and he rose to stand in front of him, blocking his path as he had done the night he came back.  Staring into Nathan’s piercing blue eyes, he grinned.  He was gentle but insistent as he pushed Nathan back, his hand on Nathan’s chest, crowding his space, not giving an inch.  Their faces were almost touching now, Nathan could feel Duke’s breath on his skin, his breath catching as Duke’s lips slowly, gently, slid across his own.

A soft groan escaped from Nathan as Duke suddenly dropped to his knees, his hands on Nathan’s waist, his nose nuzzling at Nathan’s hip.  Duke’s fingers fumbled with Nathan’s belt.  Nathan sighed.  He  _ wanted _ this,  _ wanted _ Duke, but Duke was drunk, broken.  He dropped his hand to Duke’s shoulder, hardly able to believe what he was about to do.

“Duke,” he said softly.  Duke looked up at him, his eyes dark, scared.  “Stop.”

Duke succeeded in undoing Nathan’s belt and started on the button of his jeans, wanting,  _ needing _ to make Nathan stay, using the only way he knew how.

Nathan pushed gently on his shoulder.  Duke fell back as if he’d been shoved, turning away from Nathan.  Nathan sank down beside him and Duke moved so they were both sitting with their backs to the wall, Duke with his knees pulled up to his chest, staring down, Nathan with his legs straight out, ankles crossed.  Nathan shuffled sideways, pressing against Duke.

“It’s not that I don’t want to, I do.  I  _ really _ do, but I don’t want you to do anything you’ll regret in the morning.”

Duke looked up at that.  “What makes you think I’d regret it?”

“Maybe you wouldn’t, but right now you’re past drunk and you’re vulnerable.  I won’t take advantage of that.”  Nathan kept his tone soft.

Duke let out a small groan.  “What do I have to do to make you stay?”

Nathan’s eyebrows raised at that.  “Is that what this was about?”

Duke nodded, avoiding Nathan’s searching gaze.  Nathan leaned against him more strongly, understanding now.  He felt sick that Duke had felt this was necessary, that the only thing he had to offer was his body.  He wondered if this had worked for Duke in the past, what he might have had to do for safety, warmth, food.

“You’re worth so much more than that,” he said, quietly.

“Really?  Then why does everyone leave me?  Because I’m nothing.”  Duke spat out the words, hurting now.  Embarrassed that Nathan had turned him down, scared because the  _ only _ thing he had to offer hadn’t worked.

Nathan twisted to face Duke, drawing his hand across Duke’s jaw, gently turning his face towards him, forcing Duke to meet his eyes.  “You are  _ not _ nothing.  You’re Duke Crocker and you’re fucking amazing.”  Nathan’s words were fierce, desperately needing Duke to believe him.

Hope reached Duke’s eyes.  Could Nathan possibly see that in him?  Was there a way forward from this?  His eyes stung and he blinked furiously, refusing to let the tears come.

Nathan drew Duke close to him, ignoring the fact that Duke smelled like a distillery, wanting to offer some comfort.

Duke mumbled into Nathan’s neck.  “What do I have to do to make you stay?”

Duke’s lips moving on Nathan’s neck  _ tickled _ and Nathan had to fight back the laughter to reply, “Just be  _ you. _  That’s it.  I  _ want _ to stay, I just didn’t want you thinking that you had to let me stay because I didn’t have anywhere else to go.  I’m sorry I pushed you to this, Duke.”  Nathan wrapped his arms harder around Duke, trying to make sure he knew he wasn’t going anywhere.

“But you don’t _ want _ me.”  Duke said, bleakly, pulling away and standing up.

Nathan caught Duke’s wrist in his hand, refusing to let him go.  “Of course I do, just not like this,”  he paused, hoping Duke believed him.  “You know, it’s cold and uncomfortable here, can we go to bed now?”

The grin was back on Duke’s face, he was back in familiar territory now.  He winked, turning his hand to pull Nathan up instead of Nathan trying to pull him back down.

“Not for that, idiot, so we can sleep and you can sober up.  Maybe in the morning I can prove that I  _ do _ want you.”  It was Nathan’s turn to wink.

“Might hold you to that,” Duke replied, the flirty note back in his voice.  Nathan was struck by another pang of guilt.  If he’d known that leaving would do that to Duke, he never would have said anything.  And he should have known, he and Duke had been friends for  _ years _ before the fall out, he should have seen more, should have looked deeper.

Duke led the way to the bedroom, his emotions conflicted.  He was relieved that Nathan was staying, but worried that he was staying because he thought Duke would fall apart.  Yeah, ok, he might be right on that.  He was embarrassed that he’d basically thrown himself at Nathan and been rejected, but Nathan telling him that he was fucking amazing had bolstered his confidence, helped him to pick himself up.  He knew he couldn’t rely on Nathan to keep doing that, knew he would have to dig deep and find the strength to get through all of this.  He hoped Nathan meant what he said, hoped that they could carry on getting through it  _ together _ , and maybe together could mean as more than friends.

They slept in each others arms that night, for the first time.  They’d been sharing the bed for weeks, but there was still just enough awkwardness that neither of them wanted to be the first to try to cuddle up.  That was gone now, the barriers smashed down.  Both of them wanted the warmth, the comfort, the feeling of  _ home _ from the other.


	7. Chapter 7

Duke awoke to the sound of the water pipes banging again.  He groaned when he glanced at the clock.   This was  _ obscenely _ early for a Sunday morning.  What was Nathan thinking?!  Sunday mornings were for sleeping, not getting up before 7 and waking everyone else up.  He still felt faintly embarrassed about how he’d behaved last night, about how he’d fallen apart without Nathan.  He  _ hated _ relying on anyone else, had learnt over the years that the only person he could trust was himself.  He didn’t want Nathan staying with him out of pity, out of fear for what would happen to Duke without him.  This was not a healthy basis for a relationship and Duke was an expert on dysfunctional relationships.  If this even was a relationship.  Friends who cuddle?  Maybe it was better not to try to define it.  He would pick himself up and accept who he was, leave the past behind him and try to move on.  He’d been given a second chance at life and he wasn’t going to waste it sulking.

Nathan was busy trying to drown his guilt in the shower.  He’d known Duke had a rough childhood, as a kid he’d tried to help but his Dad was having none of it.  He’d been blind the rest of the time though.  Oh, he knew that Duke was stealing so he could feed himself, but he figured that if Duke was doing that then he was managing,  _ surviving _ .  He just hadn’t considered the rest of it.  They’d even been  _ friends _ back then and he’d still missed it.  He briefly contemplated if that was why Duke had come onto him, all those years ago, if he’d wanted something from Nathan, if things had got desperate enough that he had been Duke’s last hope.  It had been just before Duke left, he reflected, only a couple of days before in fact.  He wasn’t going to make the same mistake again.

Duke barged into the bathroom as Nathan was drying off.  He paused for a moment, taking in the sight of Nathan’s naked form, admiring the lean muscles, a suggestive smile on his face as he looked Nathan in the eyes and dropped his boxers.

“Hope you left me some hot water this time, Wuornos,” he grumbled, stepping into the shower.

Nathan smiled at Duke’s forwardness.  “Plenty.  Hurry up.”  He wrapped himself in the towel and went back to bed.

Duke grinned at Nathan’s retreating back and turned the water on.

A few minutes later, Duke found Nathan reclining on the bed, his nakedness only concealed with the damp towel he’d worn from the bathroom.  He smiled at the sight, keeping it just the right side of lecherous.

Nathan looked up as Duke entered the room.  He hadn’t bothered covering up with a towel, comfortable enough with his body not to worry about it.  He made for quite a sight, all long limbs, muscle, not a single tan line, and those tattoos.  Nathan hadn’t realised Duke had quite so many and he wanted to explore each one, to find out what they meant.  A slow smile reached his face, covering his nervousness.  He winked and Duke rose to the challenge.

Duke took Nathan’s wink for the invitation it was.  He half jumped, half fell, onto the bed beside him, leaning in to kiss him.  His long hair dripped water onto Nathan’s chest, making him shiver.  Duke curled a hand round the back of Nathan’s neck, gently holding him close as their lips met in a chaste, close mouthed kiss.  It was Nathan who reached out and none-too-gently pulled Duke against him, insistently moving his lips, encouraging Duke to open his mouth, to let him in.  Sensations flooded him, after so many years without being able to feel, kissing left him breathless.  He ran his hand down Duke’s back, marvelling at the hardness of the muscles there.  Duke gasped under his touch, quashing the memories of  _ Mara _ touching him like that, reminding himself that  _ that _ was over now, that this was  _ Nathan _ .  He slipped his hand down to mirror Nathan’s movements, drawing a shiver as Nathan felt Duke’s fingers on his skin for the first time.

Their tongues met as the kiss deepened, sliding across each other, tasting each other, exploring each others mouths.  Suddenly Nathan pulled away.

“Are you sure?”  He asked, breathlessly.  Duke nodded his reply, trying to kiss him again.  Nathan blinked and turned his head away so Duke’s lips only met the bony line of his jaw.  “Duke.”

Duke stopped and pulled back to look Nathan in the eyes, afraid of what he was going to say next.

“I need to be sure you’re doing this because you want to, not because you think you have to, because you think it’s all you’re worth.”  Nathan’s tone was soft, his hand resting on Duke’s shoulder.

Duke shook his head.  “Want you.”  He leaned in to try to kiss Nathan again but found himself stopped by Nathan’s hand moving to his chest.  

Nathan wanted to believe him, wanted to stop worrying and just  _ do _ this already.  But there was something in Duke’s eyes, something he couldn’t read and he had to be  _ certain _ this was what Duke wanted.  He pushed harder on Duke’s chest, gently creating space between them.

Struck by anxiety, Duke pulled away, throwing his long legs off the side of the bed, turning his back to Nathan, not wanting to look the other man in the eyes.

“What is it?”  Nathan asked, tentatively, not sure he really wanted the answer, worried he’d fucked this up, hurt Duke.  He was answered by a soft sigh as Duke ran his hands through his damp hair.

Duke was out of his depth.  He thought he was good at sex, never had any complaints at least, but this…?  Sex that mattered.  Yeah, this was new to him, he’d never done this before.  Oh, he’d done the whole sex with feelings thing, but somehow even those people had been...disposable, and he hated himself for thinking that.  He tried, fumblingly, haltingly, to explain that to Nathan, avoiding his gaze and hoping he would understand.

A small humourless laugh escaped Nathan before he could stop it and he reached out to place a hand on Duke’s back, wanting to offer reassurance that he  _ wasn’t _ laughing at him.  It took him a moment before he found the words.  “Well, you’re up on me, I haven’t done this before at all.”

Duke twisted to look at him.  “What?  Never?  But I thought…”

Nathan laughed without humour again.  “Men, that is.  It’s only ever been you, Duke.” He paused, letting Duke absorb what he'd just said. “Not that many women either, if I'm being honest.” He looked away after that, faintly embarrassed by his admission.

Duke felt his cock twitch slightly at that.  When Nathan had started spending time here, without them trying to kill each other, he’d thought that maybe Nathan had always just been very discreet.  A thought slowly formed in his mind.  Maybe, just  _ maybe _ Nathan meant what he said about Duke being special, being amazing.  His confidence bolstered again, his gaze blazing with pure  _ want _ , pure  _ need _ , he said “Want to make you feel good.”

A smile crossed Nathan’s face, lazy, relaxed.  “Not going to object to that.”  He kissed Duke softly, pulling back to say “But it works both ways, k?”

“Got it.  Now shut up.  No more talking.”  Duke pressed Nathan back into the mattress, using his more muscular form to take control, just for a moment, pausing to rip the towel from around Nathan’s waist before using his knee to part Nathan’s thighs and leaning his weight on his elbows, covering Nathan without squashing him.

Nathan gasped as Duke’s hardness touched his hip, feeling the evidence of his arousal.  Then Duke’s lips met his again and all thought was gone, focussed on the feeling of soft lips on his, insistently opening his mouth, tongues swirling around each other.  He was breathless when Duke broke the kiss, deep brown eyes meeting his, seeing fire, lust there.

Duke moved his attention to Nathan’s neck, alternating soft kisses with gentle nips, making Nathan squirm with desire.  At this rate, neither of them could wait much longer.  The thought of this being Nathan’s first time was all that held him back.  He slowly moved the kisses down Nathan’s body, hands running across his ribs, enjoying the way Nathan wriggled, wanting  _ more _ .  He paused for a moment, giving Nathan a chance to settle before shifting his weight downwards, his mouth hovering over Nathan’s cock, his breath warm and wet.

Nathan’s hands curled in the bed sheets, he was so close to losing control.  Duke’s mouth  _ so close _ to him, desperately wanting more.  He groaned as Duke sank his mouth down around his cock.  God, that felt good.  Coherent thought left him as he revelled in the pleasure Duke was giving him.  He was so sensitive, almost too sensitive, wanting more, wanting less, never wanting it to end, hips flexing uncontrollably.  He knew he was close so he pushed Duke off and flipped them over with a growl.

He was met with a grin on Duke’s face.  He echoed Duke’s movements, not holding Duke down but making it clear that he was supposed to  _ stay there _ .  He relished the taste of himself on Duke’s tongue, wondered what  _ Duke _ would taste like, not wanting to wait to find out.  Forcing himself to move slowly, he let his lips trail down Duke’s body, kissing each muscle as he went, finally reaching Duke’s cock.  

Duke’s breath hitched slightly as Nathan tentatively explored his cock with his tongue, licking around the head, teasing the sensitive underside.  He’d fantasised about this  _ years _ ago and now it was happening he could hardly believe it.  As Nathan took him into his mouth, Duke’s mind melted, only thinking about how  _ right _ it felt.  And Nathan was  _ good _ at this, good in a way he had no right to be without experience.  He fought to control the urge to move his hips to meet Nathan’s mouth, not wanting to push it too far, and then Nathan  _ sucked _ and Duke was lost.  “Oh, God, Nate.”  He managed to choke out.  

Nathan paused, giving Duke enough time to regain some sense of normality.  

“Keep that up and it’ll be over in two minutes,”  Duke’s voice was breathless, barely able to speak.

Nathan grinned and sat back on his heels, pleased with Duke’s reaction.  Duke kneeled in front of him, mirroring his posture, finger trailing across Nathan’s cheek, seeing the same fire reflected in Nathan’s eyes as he knew was in his own.

“So how do you want to do this?”  Duke asked.

Nathan looked back at him blankly.  Oh.   _ That _ .  He hadn’t really thought that far ahead.  Was he ready to let Duke fuck him?  His body was definitely saying yes, but that was a big step.  He really should have considered this part before.  He had no idea what he was doing now, he just knew he wanted to.

Duke read the hesitation on Nathan’s face.  Ok, that settled things.  He reached for the lube and condoms in the top drawer of the nightstand, passing them to Nathan.  “Ever done anal before?”  He asked, conversationally.

Nathan shook his head.  “No, but I’ve read up on it, you know,  _ just in case _ .”

Duke laughed at that.  “In case it came up in an emergency?  Ok Nate, that might be a little odd.”

Nathan flushed.  “I didn’t want to be caught out in case a girlfriend wanted to do it and I looked like an idiot.”  

More laughter from Duke.  “Yeah, because women decide on the spur of the moment that they want anal sex.”

Nathan realised just how ridiculous that sounded and laughed along with him.  “Yeah, fair point.”

“Ok, I’ll take your word for it that you know what’s involved in terms of...er...preparation.  Lots of lube, nice and slow, I’ll give you feedback as we go.”  Duke gathered pillows, propping his hips on them as he lay face down on the bed, legs slightly apart, making it easy for Nathan.

Nathan swallowed, aroused by the sight of Duke waiting for him, wanting to make him feel good, hoping he could manage it despite his inexperience.  Slow, Duke had said.  That he could definitely do.  Settling his knees in between Duke’s, he leaned forward, kissing that sensitive spot between Duke’s shoulder blade.  Encouraged by the shiver that earnt him, he moved his way down, kneeling up again and running his fingers lightly across the point where Duke’s buttocks met his thighs, delighting in the shudder he got in return, loving the sharp gasp of breath it drew from Duke’s mouth.  He did it again, enjoying the reaction, making Duke swear this time.

“I know I said slow, but stop fucking teasing.”  Duke’s voice was raw with desire, impatient now, wanting Nathan’s hands on him, his cock inside him.

Using lots of lube, as he’d been directed, Nathan slowly slipped a finger inside Duke, marvelling at the way he opened around his finger, the way he was almost  _ pulled _ inside.  Duke wriggled his hips, wanting Nathan to get on with it.  He gasped as Nathan added another finger, enjoying the  _ stretch _ , the slight burn, the feel of Nathan’s fingers inside him, getting him ready.

Nathan moved his fingers inside Duke, curling them slightly.  “Fuck,” Duke choked out loudly.  Nathan stopped.  “Duke?”  He asked, uncertainly.

“No, that was good, just don’t do it too much or I’m gonna come,” Duke’s voice was strangled, barely able to get the words out.

Nathan grinned and stroked again.  This time he was rewarded with a low groan.  Oh, he was  _ definitely _ going to ask Duke to do this to him.  He pulled back, adding another finger and stroked again, stretching Duke out.

Duke could barely think now, let alone speak.  He turned his head to look at Nathan, pure wanton desire in his eyes, hoping that was enough to communicate what he wanted.  Nathan gently pulled his fingers out, leaning down to kiss Duke hard on the mouth.  “Want to see your face,” he said.

A little sigh escaped Duke’s lips.  This was new to him, he was more used to...well, being  _ used _ .  “Ok, hang on, let me...tell ya what, lie down.”  He moved the pillows, gently guiding Nathan so he was lying back, passing him the condom and watching him roll it onto himself, glad of a moment to  _ calm down _ , not wanting to embarrass himself.

Duke straddled Nathan, taking his cock and directing it into himself.  He steadied himself for a minute, then sank down, hard, wanting to get the burn over with, waiting for the pleasure to kick in.  Nathan’s eyes were dark, pupils wide, hardly believing what was happening, feeling the tightness of Duke around him, grasping him.  Duke moved, just slightly.  He grinned as Nathan groaned and threw his head back, exposing his neck.  Duke leaned forward to nip at Nathan’s pulse point, his lips feeling the bounding pulse there.  He sat back again, feeling Nathan’s cock deep inside him, the angle just right to meet his prostate.  It was his turn to groan.

Nathan took in the sight of Duke, pleasure written across his face, eyes half closed, mouth slightly open, breath coming in gasps.  Duke moved again, riding Nathan’s cock slowly, torturously, letting Nathan feel every movement.  Nathan gasped as his cock was once again deep inside Duke.  He knew he wasn’t going to last long and he suspected Duke wouldn’t either.  As Duke moved again, Nathan reached down to take Duke’s cock in his hand, tentatively at first, then taking confidence from the ecstasy on Duke’s face.

The combination of Nathan’s cock inside him and his cock in Nathan’s hand was too much for Duke and he came with a long, low, moan, spilling himself onto Nathan’s chest.  The intensity of Duke clenching around him sparked Nathan’s release and he cried out as he came.

Duke fell forwards, catching himself on his hands, their foreheads touching, both breathing unsteadily.  Feeling Nathan softening inside him, Duke moved, feeling the loss, the emptiness, as he slid out.  He flopped down beside Nathan, their bodies touching, an arm draped across Nathan’s stomach, not wanting the contact to end.

It was Nathan who spoke first, reading the concern on Duke’s face.  “Wow,” he said, incapable of forming more words.  Duke grinned.  “Ok?”  He asked, checking in, but knowing the answer already.  “Very ok,” Nathan replied, a grin plastered on his own face.

They stayed there for what seemed like hours before they got up, still moving on wobbly legs, and cleaned up before settling back on the bed, arms and legs wrapped round each other.


	8. Chapter 8

Once they’d recovered, Duke and Nathan spent a lazy Sunday on the Rouge.  Duke made pancakes which Nathan devoured ravenously.  Nathan found a movie to watch and the afternoon was lost to snuggling up on the sofa.  They were relaxed, comfortable in each other’s company, wanting to be close, touching all the time.

Duke dozed off and woke to the sound of Nathan cooking.  Panicking slightly because Nathan’s prowess in the kitchen left a  _ lot _ to be desired.

“What are you making?”  He asked nervously when he reached the kitchen.

Nathan span round, grinning.  “Pitta pizzas.”

“Pitta pizzas...oooookay…”  Duke looked doubtful.

Nathan was slightly put out at Duke’s lack of confidence in him.  It was true that he couldn’t cook  _ much _ , or even  _ well _ , but he could manage this.

“Pitta breads, tomato puree, cheese, ham, olives.  Simple.”  He gritted his teeth slightly.

“Pineapple?”  Duke asked, hopefully.

Nathan fixed him with a glare.  “You do  _ not _ put pineapple on pizza, you complete freak.”  The insult was softened when he giggled slightly.

“Did you just giggle?!”  Duke couldn’t help laughing along with him.

That set Nathan off completely, uncontrollable laughter leaving him breathless and red faced, hardly able to stand.

“Have you gone  _ insane _ ?”  Duke asked, stifling his own laughter.

That only served to set Nathan off again, tears streaming down his cheeks as he abandoned his cooking prep and dashed to the bathroom, locking himself in.

Duke watched him go, shaking his head slightly.  Nathan having an attack of the giggles?!  That was unheard of.  He could hear Nathan’s howling laughter echoing round the ship.  He smiled to himself, picking up the food prep where Nathan had left off.  He would give Nathan a chance to calm down.  He rummaged through his cupboards, looking for something.

Being away from Duke, Nathan managed to calm down and stop laughing.  He splashed water on his face and shakily made his way back to the kitchen, breath hitching slightly as he swallowed his laughter.  He tried to fix his face into a more neutral expression but only succeeded in a slightly manic grin.

Duke turned round from his rummaging, brandishing a can triumphantly.  “Knew we had some somewhere.”

“Pineapple?”  Nathan squeaked and ran back to the bathroom.  After a couple of minutes he managed to compose himself and tried again to go back to the kitchen.

Duke was sitting at the table, one leg crossed over the other, flicking through a newspaper.  He looked over the top of the paper, one eyebrow raised as he said “Finished?”

Nathan nodded, not quite trusting himself to speak yet.

Duke continued, “I finished prepping the pizzas.  Don’t worry, I didn’t put pineapple on yours.  They’re in the oven.”

Nathan nodded again.  “Thanks.  Don’t know what came over me.”  He really didn’t, he’d never been one for giggling, even as a child.  He looked at Duke who was smirking at him, a wicked glint in his eyes.  

“I’m not sure if I should be offended. Fuck me once and you go completely mad.”  Duke softened his words with a wink.

They ate the pizzas, which even Duke had to admit were good.  He’d never thought of turning pitta bread into pizza but it was quick, easy, and tasty.  Nathan tried hard not to giggle again watching Duke eat his pizza with pineapple on.  He shook his head slightly, wondering about the sanity of someone who would put  _ pineapple _ on a  _ pizza _ .  Weird.  Just weird.

For the first time since the Troubles ended, since  _ everything _ , they didn’t drink.  Neither of them felt they needed to, no longer seeking the  _ absence _ that alcohol could bring.  They just sat, chatting, talking bullshit, just like the old days.

After a pause, Duke spoke.  “Nate.”  His voice sounded like liquid velvet, like a caress.  “I have to ask. Why me? Why now?”

Nathan met his gaze, taking a moment to think before replying.  “The now is easy, losing you for a second time made me realise what I felt. I'm sorry it took twice, I should have known after the first time, and I won’t ever forgive myself for that.”  He paused.  “It's always been you, Duke.  Since school.  You were cool, clever, funny.  But I didn't think you'd look twice at me so I focussed on girls.”  

He looked down for a moment.  “That night you came to me, just before you left...I kicked myself for saying no.  It broke me.”  He sighed, carrying on.  “I hated you for offering me everything I wanted and then leaving.  I hated myself for letting you go.  And then you came back, walked back into my life and I was confused.  I didn't know whether to love the fact you were back or hate you for leaving in the first place.  Then you made up my mind for me, using me to help with the coast guard.  My trouble kicked in and pretty much every feeling was numbed beneath it.”

“Except Audrey,” Duke interrupted.

“Except Audrey,” Nathan agreed.  “And I hated you for being the one for bringing my trouble back”  He took a deep breath, steadying himself.  “Then I killed you and it was...well, awful doesn’t cover it.  It was the worst thing I’ve ever done.  I hated myself, I hated what had put us in that situation.  Then my trouble lifted, it was all over, and you were back.  I knew I couldn't let you go again, but I didn't think you would have me so I was happy to play at 'just friends’, anything to keep you here with me.”  He stared down at his hands, not wanting to look Duke in the eyes now, hating himself, the guilt over Duke’s death overwhelming him.

Duke gave him a moment, sensing his discomfort.  “I was never going to let you go, Nate.  It's always been you, right from that day at school when you knew I was hungry and gave me your lunch even though it meant  _ you _ went hungry.  I fell in love with you then, even when I didn't know what love was.”  He fiddled with a coaster, wanting to be open, honest, needing the distraction of something in his hands.  

“I had to leave because you didn't want me, you turned me away.  You were the only thing keeping me here and once that was gone, so was I.  I came back because I couldn’t get past it, knew I had to try again.”  He swallowed, suppressing the guilt he’d felt after the coast guard had turned up that day.  “I wasn't using you with the coast guard, really, I wanted to spend time with you, I just couldn't tell you that so I covered.  I gave up.  I knew there was no chance you'd want me after that.  So I went back to chasing women and yanking your chain.  It was easier, it was like a band aid.”

Nathan nodded at that.  They’d all spent a lot of time applying band aids to various problems and it had all been pointless.  At least he and Duke had each other now, that was something.  They were lucky, really.  It could have been so different.

Wanting to lighten the tone, Nathan said “You’ll have to tell me what you got up to while you were away.  Fill me in on what I missed.”

Duke looked at him sharply.  “No, you really don’t want me to do that.”  He paused.  “It wasn’t a happy time, Nate, let’s just leave it at that.”

“Can’t have been all bad.  You got married.”  Nathan’s tone was off-hand.

“I got married to pull off a con.  That’s all Evi and I were about.”  Duke spoke through gritted teeth,  _ really _ wanting the subject to be over.

Nathan took the hint, staying silent for a moment.  “What does it feel like?”  He spoke softly.

“What does  _ what _ feel like?”  Duke sounded a little exasperated.

“ _ It _ .  Being fucked.”  Nathan decided that speaking in circles around the subject wasn’t going to be helpful and got straight to the point.

Duke’s eyes widened with surprise.  He’d been expecting Nathan to ask how it felt to die, and that  _ wasn’t  _ a topic he was interested in talking about.   _ This _ , back on familiar old ground, he could do.  He thought for a moment.  “It’s good.  It hurts a bit...ok, a lot...at first, not gonna lie to you, but it doesn’t last long, then it feels amazing.”

Nathan nodded in reply, swallowing hard before speaking.  “Would you...er…?”  He trailed off.

“Fuck you?”  Duke half laughed.

Nathan turned bright red, only able to nod.  Duke looked at him, concerned.  “Short answer, yes.  Longer answer, I’d love to, I  _ want _ to, but are you sure you’re ready?  I mean, I’m not kidding about the pain…”

Nathan steadied himself, still not able to look Duke in the eyes.  “I’m ready, and the pain doesn’t bother me.  So many years without being able to feel  _ anything _ , even pain is...sort of good.”

“Fuck...gotta tell you, man, I’m not...I don’t want to  _ hurt _ you.  If you want to do this as a fucked up way of punishing yourself, I’m not up for that.”  Duke was worried.

“No, no, that’s not what I meant.  It’s not about punishment, it’s about wanting to feel  _ everything _ .  I know you don’t want to hurt me, I trust you not to.”  Nathan tried to explain, not feeling as if he’d done a very good job.

His words sparked something in Duke’s mind.  Nathan trusted him.  After everything, he trusted him.  It was as though something  _ broke _ in him.  Not in a bad way, it was as if his last defence had crumbled, leaving him open, naked, completely vulnerable, in a way he’d never felt before.  Instead of leaving him feeling weak, he drew strength from it, from the connection with Nathan, something he hadn’t experienced, and he let that feeling fill him, truly opening himself up for the first time, allowing Nathan to get close, close enough to  _ hurt _ him.  He felt powerful.  He wasn’t going to hide any more, he had no reason to.

Nathan saw the change in Duke’s face, read it in his eyes.  The desperation, the  _ searching _ , that had been there before had gone, replaced by something that Nathan could only interpret as  _ love _ .  He could only hope that Duke could see the same in his eyes, because the ability to speak had deserted him.

Duke could.  Everything he’d ever wanted to find when he looked in Nathan’s eyes was  _ there _ .  A momentary urge to  _ run _ flickered across his brain, wanting to escape the intensity.  He’d craved it for so long, but was he ready for it?  He had to be, he wasn’t going anywhere.  Not this time.  This time was for good.  He couldn’t find the words so he reached for Nathan’s hand instead, pulling him up onto his feet, drawing him close and kissing him with a passion he hadn’t known existed.

It wasn’t just kissing, it was a show of love, both of them desperately wanting to deepen the connection between them, wanting to be as close as possible, not leaving any gaps as their bodies met and pressed against each other.

Duke steered Nathan to the bedroom, using his physicality in the way that only he could, knowing instinctively exactly where every part of him was, not breaking the contact.  He slid Nathan’s t-shirt up, hands grazing his ribs as they moved, pausing the kiss only to pull it over his head.

Nathan took the opportunity to nuzzle into Duke’s neck, nipping at his collarbone as his hands fumbled with the buttons on Duke’s shirt.  He succeeded in getting it open and kissed Duke’s mouth again, teeth clashing, his bare chest against Duke’s, not wanting even a centimetre between them.  He pulled Duke’s shirt from his shoulders, running his hands down his back, grabbing Duke’s arse to pull him closer, feeling Duke’s hardness against his own, just a thin layer of cloth between them.

They broke away for just a moment, each dragging the remainder of their own clothes off, dropping them carelessly on the floor.  Duke took Nathan’s face gently in both of his hands, holding him steady as he kissed him, slowly and deeply, trying to convey everything he felt in that one kiss.

It was Nathan who pulled away.  “Fuck, Duke...that’s...you’re good at that.”  He was aware he was babbling like a teenager, but after so long without feeling he needed a  _ break _ from it.  It felt  _ so good _ .  Better, even, than this morning which had been...well, just a tiny bit awkward, as first times always were.

Duke smirked back at him, covering his slight disappointment.  He hadn’t been aiming for  _ good _ , he’d been trying for  _ mind-blowing _ .  Maybe the fact that Nathan had to stop suggested that he’d achieved it.

Taking a deep breath, Nathan pushed Duke backwards until they reached the bed.  He couldn’t resist giving Duke a harder shove in the chest so he fell backwards, laughing, onto the bed.  Duke pulled Nathan down on top of him, grinning into Nathan’s neck as he said, “Got ya”.

Nathan drew back just enough to look Duke in the eyes and say, “Yeah, Duke, you’ve got me”.  Duke’s heart gave a little leap at that and he clutched Nathan as close as possible, just wanting to feel his warmth, feel his body, feel  _ him _ .  He could feel Nathan’s heart racing, their heartbeats almost matching.  He needed him.  Needed to be  _ inside _ him.  Reaching out, fumbling around, his fingers found the lube on the bedside table.  He wiggled out from under Nathan, arranging pillows and patting them so Nathan lay on them as he had earlier.  Bending down, he whispered into Nathan’s ear.  “Are you sure?”

He was met with a groan and a nod from Nathan.  “Need to feel you,” Nathan managed to say, not capable of any more words, his mouth dry, his mind clouded with  _ want _ .

“Tell me if it’s too much, I’ll stop straight away,”  Duke promised, squirting lube onto his fingers and kneeling behind Nathan.  Slowly, gently, he pushed one finger into Nathan, feeling the warmth and tightness there.  He gave Nathan a moment to adjust, keeping still.  “Ok?”  He asked.

“Mmmf,” replied Nathan, his face buried in the sheets.

“Yeah, gonna need a bit more than that, Nate.”

“Fucks sake,” Nathan pulled his head up, craning round to glare at Duke.  “Very ok, get on with it,” he grumbled.

“Slow and gentle, remember, not rushing this.  And I’m gonna keep checking in.  So fucking deal with it and stop complaining.”  Duke’s tone was gentle.

Nathan huffed slightly but kept quiet and was rewarded by Duke’s second finger entering him.  He let out a little moan.  There was no pain, it was just  _ intense _ .  He shifted his hips towards Duke’s hand, wanting more.

Duke curled his fingers, his other hand resting on Nathan’s lower back, gently holding him steady.  Nathan moaned and bucked his hips.  Duke let out a huff of laughter.  “Found the spot then.”

Nathan could only whimper.  It was like being right on the edge of an orgasm, that split second before it hit, only this feeling  _ lasted _ , the pleasure continuing in waves as Duke kept moving his fingers.  He couldn’t keep still, his hips moving involuntarily.  Duke took pity on him, pulling his fingers out enough to add another one, stretching Nathan, getting him ready.  Oh god, he wanted to take Nathan  _ now _ .  Three fingers inside now.  Duke’s mouth was dry and he swallowed before he asked, “Still ok?”

Nathan’s eyes were glazed as he looked back at Duke, pupils dark, expression far away.  Duke grinned.  He’d done this to Nathan.  Nathan managed to nod, not capable of speech now.

“Sure?  Not hurting too much?”  Duke wanted to check in again, needed to know Nathan was ready.

Nathan nodded, stuttering out two words.  “Fuck me.”  He wanted Duke inside him,  _ now _ .

Duke pulled his fingers out, still moving slowly, and reached out for the packet of condoms.  Rolling one onto himself, he lined up behind Nathan.  “Last chance.  Are you  _ sure _ ?”

“Do it,” Nathan spoke through gritted teeth, impatient.

Taking a deep breath, Duke pressed his cock against Nathan, slowly but insistently, giving Nathan time to open up to him.

Nathan groaned, long and low, hit by the most  _ intense _ feeling he’d ever experienced.  Yes, there was an edge of pain, a burn, a sting, but it was  _ nothing _ compared to the feeling of fullness, the feeling of taking a man into himself for the first time, the feeling of  _ Duke _ inside him.

When he’d reached the hilt, Duke stopped, giving Nathan time to adjust again, knowing how powerful the feelings would be.  He felt Nathan relax around him, and took a moment to enjoy being buried deep inside him.  “All right?”  He asked, knowing it would piss Nathan off, needing to ask anyway.

There was only an answering moan from Nathan, but Duke knew pleasure when he heard it.  He started to rock, just slightly, letting Nathan get used to the movement.  Nathan matched Duke’s motion, encouraging him, wanting  _ more _ .  The first thrust from Duke sent Nathan’s mind spiralling out of control.  He was dimly aware of Duke’s hands on him, holding him still, grounding him.

Duke pushed into Nathan again, loving the sound Nathan made as he did so.  Pausing in his movements, he reached under Nathan’s chest, pulling him up so his back was against Duke’s chest, holding him there.  He pushed again.  It was a cry from Nathan this time as Duke’s cock rubbed against his prostate, the angle just right.  Duke did it again.  And again.  Each time Nathan’s cries got louder.  

The feeling was so  _ powerful _ , it threatened to overwhelm him.  He felt  _ full _ , connected,  _ alive _ .  He felt as though he was about to come, that feeling he knew so well, that only lasted a split second before he was done, but over and over again.  As Duke pushed into him one last time, Nathan exploded.  He shouted Duke’s name as he came, glad of Duke’s arms around his chest, holding him up.

“Ssh, it’s ok Nate, I’ve got you,” Duke murmured into his ear, gently lowering him to the bed and pulling out of him.

Nathan pulled him close, not wanting to lose the contact, needing Duke close, his emotions spilling over, not knowing whether to cry or laugh, trying not to do either, actually doing both.  Fuck, where had this come from?

Duke smiled, wrapping his arms round Nathan, holding him as he settled.  “Good, then?”  He asked once Nathan had quietened.

Nathan’s eyes were deep, dark, relaxed.  “Very.  But you...didn’t…?”

“No, but that doesn’t matter.  I wanted to make it good for you.”  Duke really wasn’t bothered, this time had been about Nathan.

“Not fair,” Nathan growled at him.  “What did I say earlier about this working both ways?”  He didn’t wait for an answer, grabbing the lube and squirting a little into his hand.  His hand found Duke’s cock instinctively, not looking at what he was doing, staring into Duke’s eyes, watching his pleasure as Nathan stroked his cock.

Duke fell back, giving in to Nathan, wanting the release he knew was coming.  Nathan’s hand was warm and surprisingly gentle.  Duke’s eyes slipped close as he relaxed, enjoying Nathan’s hand on him.  

Nathan watched Duke’s face, changing his touches, working out what Duke liked best.  Once he found it, he did it over and over until Duke came into his hand with a stifled moan.  Nathan smiled at him.  “Ok?”  He asked, tentatively.

Duke nodded, not able to speak yet, passing a towel to Nathan to clean up with.

They drifted off in each other’s arms for a second night, not wanting to be apart for a second, not even in sleep.  As he fell asleep, Duke wondered how he could have got so lucky.  Just when his life turned to shit, he found everything he wanted.  Nathan’s thoughts were similar, everything he’d wanted had been so close and they’d wasted so much time. God they had been stupid.


	9. Chapter 9

Rebuilding the town was going well, albeit slowly.  The police station was mostly complete and Duke had been working hard to get the Gull back to normality.

Dwight approached Nathan shortly after the station was finished.  “Got a minute, Chief?”

It took Nathan a moment to realise Dwight was speaking to him, he’d never got used to being Chief.  “Sure, Dwight, what’s up?”

Dwight shifted awkwardly, he’d had the words prepared in his mind but now it had come to it, he wasn’t sure he could say them.  “It’s...ah….”

Nathan waited patiently, he knew what was coming but he wanted to give Dwight a chance to say what he needed to.

“Well, you remember what I said, after it was all over?  About wanting to take Lizzie and leave?”  There was tension in Dwight’s voice, as though he was expecting an argument.

Nathan smiled slightly, encouraging Dwight to continue.

“The town is ok now, I’ve done all the cleaning I can, it’s just insurance and rebuilding work now…”  He trailed off, staying quiet for a moment.  “There are still some people, Guard members mostly, who aren’t happy that Lizzie is with me, they see it as a reminder of the Troubles…”

Nathan was astonished at that, why wouldn’t anyone be happy for Dwight?  “What do you need?  I know you can look after yourself, but do you want protection?  A car watching the house?”

Dwight shook his head emphatically.  “No, absolutely not.  I need to leave.  Found a cabin, gonna do homeschooling, easier than explaining why my daughter’s back from the dead.  I can’t tell you where.  Just in case.  You understand.”

“I do.  Thank you, Dwight, we couldn’t have done  _ any _ of this without you.  You saved this town and we owe you so much.  Anything I can do?”  Nathan understood completely, had thought about leaving himself.

“Just don’t tell anyone, please.  Better if I just disappear.  I know you’ll tell Duke, can I trust him to keep his mouth shut?”  Dwight hadn’t quite lost his distrust of Duke from the early days.

Nathan thought for a moment.  “Yeah.  Yes, you can, he wouldn’t say anything about this.  There might not be much love lost between the two of you, but if Lizzie’s involved then he’ll stay quiet.”

“Thanks man.  Happy for you guys.”  Dwight’s voice was gruff.

“Hope it all works out, Dwight.  You know where to find us.”

Dwight nodded, turned to leave and thought better of it.  He turned back and embraced Nathan in a bear hug, clapping his back so hard that Nathan thought he might cough up a lung.  That done, Dwight left.

***

Later that evening, Nathan told Duke that Dwight and Lizzie had moved away.  Duke was as surprised as Nathan about the reason.  Why wouldn’t anyone be pleased for Dwight?  He sighed deeply.

Nathan read his thoughts as clearly as if they were written.  “Jean?”

Duke nodded.  “I could be near her now, she wouldn’t kill me.”

Nathan patted his shoulder.  “We could track her adoptive parents?  See what their thoughts are?”

Duke took a moment to think before answering.  It had crossed his mind, but he hadn’t had  _ time _ to think about it in any more depth than that.  “Maybe.  Not yet.”  His tone made it clear that he didn’t want any further discussion and Nathan changed the subject.

***

Dwight wasn’t the only one to leave town.  People weren’t leaving in  _ droves _ , exactly, just dribs and drabs, but people were leaving.  Some had lost everything and had no reason to stay.  Some were suffering from PTSD from what had happened and chose to move away from the memories.  Some were scared that this was just a lull, wanting to get far away to protect their families.  Most stayed, though, this was their town, their  _ home _ and they wanted to put it back together, back the way it used to be.

***

“Cats in trees, Stan, cats in trees,” Nathan said with a grin as he left the station.

He was driving along the coast road when he spotted a car parked on the side of the road.  Actually it looked more dumped on the side of the road.  Now that Haven was quiet again, he was back to helping stricken motorists.  He smiled slightly at the thought, pulling the Bronco alongside the sedan and jumping out.

His heart skipped a beat as a very familiar face peered back at him.  “Parker?”  He asked, incredulously.

“Oh, I did. Actually, I didn’t park her as much as I broke her! I'm broke down Paige,” she introduced herself, feeling even more ditsy than usual.  James was fussing, it was close to his feeding time.

Nathan’s thoughts were in turmoil.  A new version of Audrey.  A baby called James.  His son?  Was Audrey still in there?  Had all of her memories been wiped?  Holding himself together, he tried to get the car running, failing miserably.  He was only dimly aware of Paige asking for a lift into town, but somehow managed to respond.

As she got out, Paige slammed the door, not realising Nathan’s fingers were in the way.  Feeling mortified, she apologised, offering to buy him pancakes for breakfast.

Nathan didn’t know what to think.  This is how he had met Audrey.  Now he could feel pain.  But this wasn’t Audrey.  But she loved pancakes.  As Paige moved baby James and the car seat into his Bronco, Nathan cleared his thoughts enough to send Duke a text.

12.43 - Meet me at the coffee shop.  Urgent.

Duke replied straight away, worried.

12.44 - Are you ok?  WTF?

Nathan realised Paige was waiting for him and replied quickly, not able to explain.

12.44 - Someone you’re gonna want to see.  All fine.

He tucked his phone into his pocket and jumped in behind the wheel.

It was only a short drive back to town and Paige spoke enough for both of them.  Nathan was happy to sit silently, enjoying her voice, so similar to  _ Audrey’s _ .  James had settled now, seeming calmed by Nathan’s presence.

Duke was waiting for them when they arrived at the newly rebuilt coffee shop, a look of pure shock crossing his face when he saw Paige.  He hid it quickly and introduced himself while Nathan got James out of his baby seat.

They found a table, Paige and Nathan ordering pancakes, Duke opting for waffles.  He didn’t think he could cope with pancakes again.  They engaged in small talk, Paige revealing she was a single mother, that James’ father had skipped town before he’d been born.  She was looking for the Teague brothers, she said, distant relations.

“I’m sorry, Paige, I don’t know how to tell you....Vince and Dave...they passed away.”  Nathan broke it to her as gently as possible.

Paige’s face fell.  “I didn’t know them well, my mother said I should look them up, before she…”  Her throat closed up.  Her mum had died too.  She fought back tears.  “I don’t know where else to go.”

Nathan placed his hand on hers.  “Actually, this might sound a bit...odd...but I have a house I’m not using.  You and James are welcome to stay there, work things out.”

Paige looked up.  “That’s very kind, but I couldn’t possibly impose.  And how do you have a house you’re not using?  I didn’t think cops made  _ that _ sort of money.”

“It wouldn’t be an imposition at all.  I live with Duke now.”  He threw his arm around Duke’s shoulder, instinctively knowing how Duke would be feeling, wanting to offer reassurance.

“Oh!  You two are a couple!”  A strange look crossed Paige’s face.  “Now that’s something I’d like to see!”

And that, that was definitely Lexie.  Duke and Nathan exchanged a look, the thought striking them both at the same time.

Paige clapped a hand to her mouth, blushing a deep red.  “I am  _ so _ sorry, I don’t know what came over me, I can’t believe I just said that.”

Duke recovered first.  He’d been quiet so far, but he plastered a grin onto his face.  “Two good looking guys, one cop, one mostly reformed smugger, what woman wouldn’t want a piece of that?”  He flirted.

Paige relaxed at that, pleased she hadn’t caused offence, still with that niggling worry of why she’d even said it.  She didn’t remember even  _ thinking _ it.  This had happened before, little slips like that.  Even memory lapses if she was being  _ completely _ honest.  She hadn’t told anyone, hadn’t wanted anyone to take James away from her.  She hugged him close.

After they’d eaten, Nathan took Paige to his house, showing her where everything was, making sure she knew she could stay as long as she needed, getting her and James settled in.

“Thank you.  For this.  I really appreciate it.  When you said Vince and Dave were gone, I didn’t know what I was going to do.  I have some savings...it isn’t much, but it’ll cover a couple of weeks rent…”  Paige wasn’t going to accept a free ride.

Nathan waved away her offer.  “No need, I’m not looking to rent it out.  You’ll be doing me a favour, looking after the place.”

Paige smiled that warm smile, another thing so similar to Audrey.  “As long as you’re sure.  Anything I can do to repay you, you just let me know.”  She leaned up to plant a kiss on his cheek.

Nathan smiled back, his hand touching the place she’d kissed.  “Will do.  Here’s my card, call if you need anything.”  He left then, pausing for a moment to call the station and arrange for her car to be towed to the garage.  Taking a minute to think, he drove to the Gull, knowing that’s where Duke would be.

He was right.  He looked at his watch, sighing slightly.  Not even 4pm and Duke was already making steady inroads into a bottle of scotch.  He could understand that, but now was  _ really _ not the time to be seeking oblivion at the bottom of a bottle.  He pulled it away, placing it out of Duke’s reach, ignoring the glower Duke gave him.

“My bottle.  Get your own,” he sneered.  “Happy family all settled in?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”  Nathan tried and failed to keep his voice even.

“You haven’t even known her for an hour and you’re inviting her to move in with you!”  Duke was nearly shouting.

Nathan cast a glance round the bar, relieved that it was mostly empty.  Most of Haven knew they were a couple, he didn’t want anyone thinking they spent the whole time fighting.  “No, I told her I was living with you, remember?”

Duke fell silent, not having an answer for that.

“Are you actually jealous?”  Nathan asked.

Duke’s only response was to pout and sulk, leaning back on his chair.

“Really?!  Because that isn’t Audrey!”  It was Nathan’s turn to raise his voice.

Duke lunged forward, reaching across the table for Nathan, gripping his wrist hard, fingertips digging in.  Nathan shook him off, glaring at him.

“You heard Lexie as clearly as I did, Nathan.”  Duke’s voice wavered with uncontrolled rage.  “And if Lexie is in there, you can bet your life that Audrey is too.”

Nathan sighed, he couldn’t argue with that.  “Maybe,” he conceded, “But I’m here.  With you.  Not there.  With her.”

“For now,” Duke responded, quietly, almost as if he didn’t want Nathan to hear him.

“No, not  _ for now _ .  I meant it Duke, I’m not going anywhere.  Now get your head out of your arse and  _ fucking grow up _ .”  Nathan was annoyed now.  Everything he’d said to Duke, the amount of times he’d poured his heart out and Duke  _ still _ didn’t believe him.  “You said you loved Audrey too, why are you being like this?”

Duke scowled at him.  “Because that isn’t Audrey.  Because she can offer you everything you’ve ever wanted.  She’s close enough to Audrey for  _ you _ .  She has your  _ son _ , Nate, and that’s worth a hell of a lot more than a conman turned bartender.”

Nathan softened.  “Did I ever tell you that I turned down a life outside Haven with a copy of Audrey?”

Duke shook his head, meeting Nathan’s eyes for the first time since he’d come in.

“It wasn’t  _ her _ , Duke.  I don’t want a replacement Audrey.  I want  _ you _ .”

The hurt faded a little from Duke’s eyes as he took in Nathan’s words.  “What if we can get Audrey back, somehow?”

Nathan hated the little leap his heart gave at the thought, squashing it down.  “We don’t even know if that’s possible.  If, and it’s a very big if, we can, then we cross that bridge when we get to it.  We both love her, we both love each other, don’t we?”

“Yes.  Yes, we do.”  Duke nearly threw himself across the table, kissing Nathan fiercely.  “So how are we getting our girl back?”


	10. Chapter 10

They spent a lot of time together after that, getting to know each other, becoming friends.  Nathan was careful not to spend time alone with Paige, making sure he didn’t give Duke a reason to think his attention was shifting.  It was difficult though, Paige wasn’t sure what to make of Duke.  She liked him well enough, but an ex-criminal?  Around her son?  No matter how much he’d reformed, she didn’t want that sort of influence around James.  Duke could feel that, didn’t need to have it spelled out for him, and it hit him deep down.  This is what life in Haven would be like for him.  Always fighting against his reputation.  He wondered who had filled Paige in on all the finer details, because she seemed to know  _ everything _ .

Nathan recalled how they’d brought Audrey out from Lexie, then again from Mara.  It had been a combination of the Troubles and treating her like  _ Audrey _ .  He wondered if that would work again, and asked Duke’s opinion.

“But how do we treat her like Audrey without any Troubles, without her doing any police work?”  Duke asked.

“Beer and poker night at the Gull?”  Nathan suggested something they’d done a lot of.  

Duke was thoughtful for a moment, still not entirely sure he was on board with this.  “Beer and poker it is.  You ask her, she won’t come if I do.”

Nathan nodded.

He spoke to Vickie first, asking if she could watch James on Saturday evening, knowing that Gloria was on a night shift.  Haven was still short of doctors and Gloria was covering at the hospital.  Vickie would already have Aaron, she said it would be no problem for James to sleep over as well.  The boys had played together before and seemed to get on as well as almost-toddlers could.

When he asked Paige, she was delighted.  “A night out?  Without James?  I mean, I love him to bits, but it would be so great to let my hair down!”

Nathan smiled, gave her directions to the Gull and headed to the shop to stock up on beer, it wasn’t fair for Duke to use up his stock.

***

When Saturday came around, Nathan made his way to the Gull.  Duke had worked the lunch shift, arranging for Tracey to cover the evening.  Once Nathan had arrived, Duke helped him carry the beer upstairs, to what had been Audrey’s flat.

Nathan walked in, surprised by what he found.  It was just as Audrey had left it.  “I thought it was more damaged than this.”

Duke busied himself putting beers in the fridge, pulling a deck of cards and some poker chips out of a cupboard.  “It was,” he said over his shoulder.  “I rebuilt it.”

Nathan smiled.  “When did you do this?”

“Early on, as soon as the building was safe.  It didn’t feel right emptying it, so I salvaged what I could, mended a few bits, made it as close to being hers as I could.”

Nathan was struck by a sudden urge to wrap Duke up in his arms and take him  _ home _ , away from the uncertainty, away from the remote possibility of  _ Audrey _ .  Just as he was about to suggest it, there was a voice from the door.

“Knock knock,” Paige smiled.

Duke greeted her first, slipping easily into his role as host.  “Hey, you found us,” he grinned, passing her a beer without even asking.

“Sure did.  Weird though, I just knew where you’d be.  How freaky is that?!”

“Freaky,” Duke agreed, exchanging a meaningful glance with Nathan.  If Audrey wasn’t still there, how did Paige know where to find them?

They played poker, Paige proving to be just as good a player as Audrey was.  Nathan’s Trouble having gone meant that he didn’t find it quite as easy to keep a poker face as he had done before, but he was still well up on Duke who was losing badly.

Having lost his final chips to Nathan, Duke resorted to suggesting strip poker.  Nathan couldn’t help but wonder if he’d been losing deliberately, he didn’t need  _ much _ of an excuse to get his clothes off.

“I’m up for that,” Paige winked.  “Just keep losing as badly as you have been.”  Lexie again.  This time Paige didn’t react, but her expression changed, harder somehow, more  _ Lexie _ .

Nathan smiled.  “C’mon Parker, ante up.”  It was a calculated mistake, using Audrey’s name.

Paige scoffed.  “Shut up Wuornos, you’re losing nearly as badly as Crocker over there.”  

“I’ll have you know I’m normally very good at this.  You two are cheating.  And this is why I don’t play poker with cops.”  Duke followed Nathan’s lead.

Paige didn’t react, didn’t correct him.  She threw in two chips.  “Raise.”  

Duke tossed his cards down.  “Fold.”

Nathan added four chips to the pile.  “Show ‘em Parker.”

She cackled.  “Full house.  What ya got  _ Chief _ ?”  

He grinned.  “Four of a kind,” he told her, showing his cards and pulling the pile of chips towards him.

“Son of a bitch!  I think that’s the first time you’ve ever beaten me!”

“Audrey?”  Nathan asked hesitantly.

She looked at him.

“Audrey,” Duke was certain.

Paige/Audrey was silent for a moment.  Who was she?  Her mind worked at lightning speed.  She was all of them.  The calm, no nonsense attitude of Sarah.  The soft, empathic, kindness of Lucy.  The do-no-harm-but-take-no-shit, ‘I can take care of myself, thank you very much’ attitude of Lexie.  The devoted mother that was Paige.  The wit and sarcasm and understanding of Audrey.  

She was all of them and she was here and she was real. They had found her, brought her back from the darkness. Her boys, her men. They wanted her to be Audrey, and she would be, for them. But they were all inside her, different personalities from over the years, almost like past lives. She could pick and choose from them, use each whenever she needed to, consciously or unconsciously.

Audrey came most naturally to her, she hadn't been Paige or Lexie for long and Audrey was the next most recent. Her boys wanted Audrey and she was happy to be Audrey.  

“Audrey,” she confirmed, tears streaming down her face.

It’s Duke she reaches for first, dragging him close, kissing him hard on the lips.  He responds, gently, carefully, holding her face in his hands, just as he had that one time in Colorado.  She pulled away.  “How?  How are you here?”

“Made a deal with the devil,” Duke winked.  “I’m glad you’re back.”

Audrey smiled.  “I’m glad you’re not dead.”  It sounds like a joke but he knows she means it.

She turns to Nathan, not kissing him but folding herself into his waiting arms, closing her eyes and relaxing into him.  He rests his face on top of her head, taking in the scent of her hair, feeling her softness against him.

They stay that way, eyes closed, enjoying being close to each other.  They’re both blissfully unaware that Duke steals away, silently.


	11. Chapter 11

Duke walked, feeling nauseous, fighting tears that he didn't know he had.  They’d succeeded.  Audrey was back.  And just as he suspected, she’d run to Nathan and he’d welcomed her with open arms.  Literally.  He loved her too, loved them both, but there was no room for him in their lives.  It was time to move on.  He’d been planning for days, since Paige had arrived, had supplies stockpiled.

Audrey and Nathan parted, grinning stupidly at each other.

“So, you and Duke, huh?”

Nathan’s grin turned goofy and he looked round for Duke.  “Where is he?  Did he just  _ leave _ ?”

Audrey looked guilty.  “You don’t think he’s gone to get more beers?”

“No, there’s plenty up here.  For fucks sake, Duke!”  Nathan dragged a hand through his hair,  _ knowing _ that Duke had gone,  _ hoping _ he hadn’t been stupid enough to drive.  They’d all put away a lot of beer.  

He ran, down the stairs and into the parking lot.  Phew, Duke’s Land Rover was still there.  He must have walked.  He couldn’t be too far ahead of them.

Audrey came up behind him and rested a hand on his back.  “I’m sorry, Nathan, I didn’t want to come between you.  You both mean the world to me.”

Nathan looked at her, seeing the concern in her eyes.  “I know.”  His voice was rough.  He swallowed, tried again.  “I know.  We both loved you, we were both grieving, we took some small grain of comfort from each others grief and it brought us closer, let us admit feelings that we would otherwise have kept hidden.  You’re what brought us together and in Duke’s mind, you being back means there’s no space for him.  We have to  _ find _ him, Parker.”

“Cape Rouge?  He won’t have gone anywhere else, surely.”

They started walking, hindered slightly because Paige had chosen to wear high heels which weren’t much good on the rougher sections of road.  They hurried as much as they could, not knowing how far ahead of them Duke was.

It was a relief when the harbour came into sight and there were lights on aboard the Rouge.  They found Duke, busy packing supplies away.

Nathan went to him, pulled him close and kissed him deeply.  Duke shoved him away, hard.  He was hurting, angry, hating himself for believing that happiness was possible.  Nathan moved towards him again, he wasn’t going to let Duke push him away.  This time he copied Duke’s technique, using his body to manoeuvre Duke against a wall, pinning him lightly against it, and kissing him again, trying to use that one kiss to make Duke believe.

He pulled back to look Duke in the eyes, seeing hurt, mistrust, and just a tiny flicker of hope.  Could it be him that Nathan has chosen?  Duke looked away, not wanting to let himself hope.  

“You have everything now, Nate.  You don’t need me.  It’s been fun, but I’m not going to get in your way.  Go, be with Audrey, be with James, be a proper family.”  His voice cracked on the last word and he was desperately holding back the tears, trying hard not to show how much he was hurting.

Audrey stepped closer, pressing against both of them, pulling Duke close.

“You are such a  _ fucking idiot _ , Crocker.  You really think I ever wanted to choose?  You two were trying to kill each other every second day,  _ this _ , you two,  _ together _ , never even crossed my mind.”

Audrey let Lexie take over for a moment.  She grabbed Duke by the collar, spinning him round and pushing him so his back is against Nathan’s chest.  “Just shut up and  _ fucking listen _ !”  She pressed herself into Duke’s chest, just as she had with Nathan only a few minutes again.  He mimicked Nathan’s actions and rested his face on the top of her head.  Nathan wrapped his arms around them both.  

“ _ Now _ I’ve got everything.  We’ve been through so much together.  I’m not letting either of you go.”

Audrey murmured her agreement.

Duke huffed slightly, still not letting himself hope.  “Great, so you want to keep me around for when little Nate’s tired or Audrey has a headache.  Not really my style, thanks.”  His words sound bitter.

“No!”  Audrey’s voice was sharp and she’s Paige in a full on ‘mum’ mode.  “Stop it, Duke.  You are worth  _ so much more _ than that.  You have to start believing it.  Nathan loves you, I love you.  I know you love both of us.  We can make this work.  All three of us.  James.  Jean, if you want her to come back.  A  _ family _ .”

Duke blinked at her sudden ferocity but stayed silent.

Nathan was resting his chin on Duke’s shoulder and his words came out muffled.  “What Audrey said.  Don’t go.  Stop running.  Believe in me.  In us.  In you.  We can do this.”

Duke nodded, realisation finally dawning on him.  They meant it.  “I’d best start packing my stuff.”

They both stared at him.  What else could they say.

He continued.  “We are  _ not _ bringing up a child on this boat.  I need to pack so we can move back to Nate’s house and I can imagine Garland hating me from every room.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so I didn't originally plan to write the rest of this but I wanted to give them a happy ending, so here it is. It's a bit cliche but there is some fluff and smut. 
> 
> This is probably a few months after the last chapter :)

Audrey took a deep breath, steadying herself before opening the door, leaving work outside.  Home.  Her boys.  The Troubles were over, miraculously they’d all survived.  Well, ok, Duke hadn’t  _ exactly _ survived, but somehow he’d come back.  She really needed to find out what that was all about.  Gloria said Lazarus syndrome, Duke claimed he’d made a deal with the devil.  It was a mystery and she  _ hated _ an unsolved mystery.

It had been a long day of paperwork.  Nathan’s day off, and Duke had even arranged cover for the Gull so they could spend the day with James.  Somehow she’d ended up being dragged into the station to sort things out.  How had that happened?  Surely being in a relationship with the Chief meant she could take a day off whenever she damn well pleased.  Ah, well, she was home now.

She went in, hearing hushed voices in the kitchen and made her way there, smiling to herself at the sheer  _ domesticity _ of it.

The kitchen was a disaster zone.  Mud everywhere.  Oh god, what had they been doing?  She realised the hushed voices were Nathan and Duke arguing quietly.  Putting on her best ‘Mum’ voice, she asked “What exactly has happened here?”.

“Ssssh!”  Duke hissed at her.

Nathan continued in a stage whisper, “we’ve just got James to sleep, don’t you  _ dare _ wake him up.”

Matching their tones, she hissed back at them, “That doesn’t answer my question.  What have you two done to the kitchen?!”

Nathan had the grace to look guilty.  He supposed he was  _ mostly _ responsible for the mess.  Well, actually, it had been mainly James, but it seemed unfair to blame a toddler and he  _ had _ been supervising him at the time.

“I was gardening.  James was helping.  Duke was cooking.  Mess.”  He tried to be evasive, knowing it wouldn’t work.  Even Duke couldn’t manage to be evasive with Audrey so he had no chance.

“You destroyed my kitchen!”  Duke gave up all pretence at being quiet.  “There I was, cooking a  _ lovely _ meal for us all, and then you came in and  _ chaos _ !”  He wasn’t as annoyed as he was pretending to be, everything was in the oven, he’d just been starting to clear up when Nathan had brought in the pile of mud that James had become.

“Where did you want us to wash up?  I thought you might have been a bit more grateful, we’ve been growing vegetables and  _ herbs _ .”  Nathan gestured at the pots on the windowsill.  “We did them from cuttings and  _ everything _ .”

Audrey poked at them doubtfully.  “I see they’ve had their first swimming lesson too.”

Nathan gaped at her.  “They needed  _ watering in _ , Parker.  That’s what you do with plants.”  He tried patiently to explain.

Audrey fought back a giggle.  “Watering in, yes.  Drowning, not so much.”  The glint in her eye gave her away.

Duke spotted it first and laughed, sparking a chuckle from Audrey.  Nathan glared at them.

“Come on, Nate, they’ll be fine, just leave them to dry out for a few days,”  Duke said, adding under his breath “or weeks.”

Audrey heard him and giggled again.  “Just please tell me that one of you gave James a bath before putting him to bed, and that there isn’t mud  _ all _ through the house.”

Duke and Nathan were both silenced at that.

“Ohhhh, you  _ didn’t _ just put him into bed,” Audrey rolled her eyes.

“No,” Nathan replied.

“Not exactly,” Duke continued.

Audrey raised a questioning eyebrow.

Duke and Nathan exchanged a glance.

“I gave him a bath,” Nathan explained.

“And I put him to bed,” Duke added his part.

“That sounds like there’s a ‘but’ waiting…” Audrey wasn’t entirely sure she wanted to know.

Nathan tried to sidle out of the room but Audrey spotted him and grabbed his sleeve, hauling him back like a naughty teenager.

“Explain.” She said.

Nathan stared at his feet.  At least he’d taken his shoes off, but he had to admit his  _ socks _ weren’t much cleaner than his shoes had been.  He mumbled something unintelligible.

“What?”  Audrey really needed to know what he was being so awkward about.

Raising his voice slightly, but still mumbling, Nathan explained.  “I forgot to clean the bathroom.”

Audrey relaxed slightly.  “Ok, so...  You go and clean the bathroom.  Duke, you clean the kitchen.  I’ll go and say goodnight to James.”

Orders given, she turned and walked up the stairs.

“Your fault!” Duke mouthed at Nathan who rolled his eyes in response before following Audrey up the stairs.

***

Nathan started cleaning the bathroom, spray, wipe, rinse, the repetitive task giving him time to think.  His emotions were still conflicted and he liked this time to think, to process.  The love he felt for the others was overwhelming sometimes.  He wondered how they could have all been so lucky as to escape with their lives intact.  So many other had lost so much.  It didn’t seem fair that he could have  _ everything _ and others had nothing left.

Everything he had ever wanted was under one roof.  His family.  James, his  _ son _ .  He was a  _ father _ now, had the chance to watch James grow up, to teach him, guide him, help him on his way to becoming the man Nathan knew he could be.  Audrey, the first person he had felt for  _ so long _ , his partner, who had helped fight the Troubles, who had given herself so selflessly to help others.  Duke, whom he had loved quietly for so many years, never believing it was possible for them to be together.  

He couldn’t shake the feeling of  _ guilt _ though.  For everything.  And there was so much to feel guilty  _ about _ .  So many people he  _ couldn’t help _ , so many times he hadn’t  _ done enough _ .  Other times he’d done too much.  Letting Audrey go into the Barn, not once but twice, allowing her to give up her chance at life  _ again and again _ .  Sending Duke to his death in the Barn.  Killing Duke.  Literally, killing Duke.  He didn’t know how they could forgive him.  He didn’t know how to forgive himself.

For now, he would just make sure they never went without  _ anything _ .  He would give them the world to try to make it up to them.

***

Bathroom cleaned, Nathan went to find Audrey in James’ bedroom.

“Parker,” he whispered into the dark.

A soft “mmm” answered him.  Switching on the landing light so he could see partly into the room, he spotted Audrey half lying on the floor next to James’ cot, one hand poked through the bars so she could touch him.  She looked so peaceful, so relaxed, his heart was filled with love for his unconventional family.  Moving closer, he ruffled her shoulder, not wanting to disturb her, knowing that he couldn’t leave her to sleep like that.

“Audrey,” he said softly, “come on, you need to have some dinner.”

“Mmm,” she mumbled again.

Gently easing her hand back through the bars of the cot, Nathan bent and easily scooped her up into his arms.  She woke a little then, wrapping her arms around him and resting her head on his shoulder.  He smiled, carrying her into the bathroom where he’d run her a hot bath after he’d cleaned up.  He placed Audrey down, steadying her while she regained her balance.  “Bath, relax, dinner,” he said, turning to go, knowing that she needed her space after work.

Audrey nodded, grateful that he understood her need for alone time after a busy day, appreciative that he’d taken the time to run a bath for her.  She marvelled at how well the relationship between the three of them was working.  Since Nathan’s Trouble had gone, he was much better at expressing himself so communication was easier.  Even Duke had relaxed and opened up, it didn’t seem as though he was planning on  _ running _ any time soon.  She had found herself, somehow, all her personalities were as one now.  She was  _ real _ .

She stepped into the warm water, feeling the stresses of the day leaving her.  Nathan had even used her favourite bath foam.  Scented and sudsy, the perfect way to relax.  She smiled to herself because that was so  _ Nathan _ .  He worshipped the ground that she and Duke walked on, nothing was too much hassle for him, anything they needed, they got.  They felt the same way about him, but he didn’t ask for much, wouldn’t let them do much for him.  That was something they needed to work on, making sure Nathan didn’t feel taken for granted, repaying as many favours as he would allow them to.  He would never ask for what he needed, that would be too demanding for Nathan to be comfortable with.  It was, in a way, simple though.  He needed to be touched, always wanted to be in contact with one or the other of them, and that was something they could do easily and without him asking.

Duke was more complex, she reflected.  His thing about needing to make sure they were all well fed was easy enough to understand.  He had to feel  _ needed _ , kept working to make himself indispensable, make sure they  _ couldn’t _ cope without him.  It was still difficult to convince him that they  _ wanted _ him, that he was an equal part of this relationship because he was  _ him _ and not because of everything he did for them.  Nathan was better with him than she was, he found it easier to  _ show  _ Duke how they felt.  She was better with words, Nathan with actions, and Duke  _ needed _ the actions more than words.

As for her, well, she’d discovered that she really liked her time alone.  She loved her boys, all three of them, but a house full of boys could be  _ loud _ and  _ chaotic _ .  It was wonderful, but she needed half an hour to recharge after work, needed this time of peace and quiet.  She wondered sometimes how she’d been so lucky.  After everything, how had she managed to get here?  By rights, she should still be in the Barn and she still wasn’t secure enough in her knowledge to believe that all of this wouldn’t just be ripped away from her.  She worried constantly about her boys, worried that the Troubles might suddenly come back, worried that Vince might change his mind and force her to go back.

She sank deeper into the warm water, feeling the tension leaving her body, forcing herself to relax and to push the worry to the back of her mind.

***

Duke cleaned the kitchen, humming quietly to himself.  He couldn’t help feeling like this was a dream that he was going to wake up from.  Surely he didn’t deserve this?  He’d never thought he’d be one to play happy families, it was everything he’d ever wished he could have but didn’t believe he deserved.

He wanted to think it was permanent, that Nathan and Audrey meant what they said, but he’d been hurt too many times before.  Too many broken promises in his past.  Could he really trust them to stay?   _ Forever? _  Nathan tried his best, his actions proving what he’d said, but there was still a niggling doubt in Duke’s mind.  Nathan and Audrey had a  _ child _ together, that was something he would never be a part of, no matter how much of a father figure he was in James’ life.

He loved them all.  Nathan for his solid dependability, his calm head in a crisis (and thank God there weren’t many of  _ those _ any more), his need to make sure Duke felt  _ wanted _ .  Audrey for her quiet caring, for not pushing him for  _ more _ .  He loved them in the best way that he could, and she accepted that.  James for being Nathan and Audrey’s  _ son _ , part of them, a part he would kill or die for if he had to.

He was getting closer to believing them, and until he did truly believe it, he would carry on making sure that they  _ needed _ him.

***

Nathan went downstairs, finding that Duke had finished clearing the kitchen and was pouring himself a glass of wine.

Duke waved the bottle in Nathan’s direction, one eyebrow slightly raised, asking a silent question.  Nathan nodded in reply, taking the proffered glass.  “Thanks.  Can you pour one for Audrey, she won’t be long.”

“Haven’t I managed to teach you anything, Nate?  You don’t let white get warm.  It stays in the fridge until you’re ready to drink it,” Duke teased, leaning against the counter, a wide grin on his face.

Nathan glowered slightly, knowing Duke was right, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of admitting it.  Glancing at the table, he noticed Duke had set it ready for dinner.  “Candles, seriously?  Have you gone soft on me, Crocker?”

Duke bristled at that.  “How does lighting candles mean I’ve gone soft?”

“Just didn’t have you pegged for an old romantic,” Nathan replied with a shrug.

“Hey, I can do romance.  Just because  _ you’ve _ never seen it before doesn’t mean it doesn’t  _ happen _ .”  Duke stepped over to Nathan, planting a kiss on his cheek before pulling out a chair and gesturing to Nathan to  _ sit _ .

Smiling, Nathan took a seat.  “Who knew you were such a gentleman,” he said, with a wink.

Duke winked straight back at him, a half smile on his lips.  “Not always, as you well know.”

Nathan flushed slightly at the memory of  _ that night _ .  No, there had definitely been nothing  _ gentlemanly _ about Duke then.  That had been before Paige had turned up and Audrey had come back, when it had been just  _ them _ against the world.  A night of desperation, passion and burning desire.  He fiddled with his glass, remembering.

Duke leaned forward.  His voice husky and low, he asked “Good memory?”

Nathan met his gaze, seeing the fire burning in Duke’s eyes.  His mouth too dry to speak, he just nodded.

Duke sat back, satisfied with Nathan’s nod, taking it as an answer.

Audrey chose that moment to come into the kitchen.  Taking in the flush on Nathan’s face and the smug grin on Duke’s, she said “Am I interrupting something here?”

Jumping up as if he’d been stung, Nathan stared at her.  “No, no, we were just talking.”

Duke rolled his eyes.  Pulling out a chair for Audrey, he made sure she was comfortable, crossing the kitchen to retrieve the bottle of white from the fridge, he poured her a glass, topping up his and Nathan’s at the same time.

“Ready for dinner?”  He asked them.

“Yes!”  Audrey nearly shouted.  She’d missed lunch, trying to get all the paperwork finished.  

“Always,” Nathan added.

“Good.  Don’t get too excited, it’s only chicken casserole.”  Duke was always modest about his cooking, usually describing things as “only” or “just” something, but everything he made was a masterpiece.

Audrey’s tummy rumbled at that.  “My favourite!”

They ate, drank, chatted, talking about everything and nothing, until Audrey yawned.  Stretching, she announced she was ready for bed.  She was more tired than she realised, falling asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.  

Duke and Nathan spoke in low voices, trying not to disturb her.

“I’ll get up with James if he wakes up tonight, I’m not on til the evening tomorrow,” Duke offered.

“Thanks, I’ve gotta be in early tomorrow.”  Nathan appreciated Duke’s offer.

Wrapping themselves around Audrey, they slept.  Even James managed to sleep through the night, not waking up until the alarm went off.

***

Nathan and Audrey both left early in the morning, leaving Duke to run errands with James in tow.  It wasn’t the easiest thing to do, but he wouldn’t change it for the world.  Haven was used to seeing them all together now and no-one questioned their choice to make a relationship between all three of them work.

When they got home, Duke’s phone buzzed.  A group WhatsApp message.

**Nathan** \- I’d like to take you both out for a date on Saturday night xx

**Duke** \- Sounds good.  Want me to ask Vickie about James?  Xx

**Nathan** \- Already have, thanks x

**Audrey** \- Oooh, date night, sounds fun!  Where to? Xx

**Nathan** \- Surprise ;)

**Audrey** \- Dress code then? :P

**Nathan** \- Smart, not black tie

**Duke** \- Please tell me I don’t have to wear a suit?!

**Audrey** \- Yes.  Yes, you definitely do.  

**Duke** \- Fuck.  Who’s watching James so I can go shopping then?!

**Nathan** \- Suit not required, just not shorts and a grandad cardigan.  

**Audrey** \- Spoilsport, I wanted to see him in a suit, don’t forget I remember Detective Crocker ;)

**Nathan** \- Point.  Duke, wear a suit.

**Duke** \- Fuck you both ;) xx


	13. Chapter 13

Saturday night came around, and with James dropped off at Vickie’s for the night, Nathan drove back to pick up Audrey and Duke who were waiting for him on the doorstep.  Audrey looked stunning in a blue dress which hugged her figure.  Her long blonde hair caught the last rays of the setting sun and she stepped lightly alongside Duke who had taken her arm.  Nathan wasn’t used to the sight of Duke dressed smartly, and he really had made an effort tonight.  His dark hair was tied back neatly, contrasting with the crisp white shirt which showed off his muscular arms, his tailored black trousers completing the look.  They made a spectacular couple, Nathan thought, smiling as he realised they were both his.

He opened the doors of the Bronco for them, waiting until they were seated comfortably before jumping into the driver’s seat and heading to Nino’s, the Italian on Main Street.  

Audrey felt irrationally nervous.  What was there to be worried about?  A date with  _ her boys _ , who she knew so well, who she loved beyond words.  Her mouth was dry, knees weak, as she climbed into the Bronco.  There hadn’t been much time for dating in her past, that was it.  It was  _ new _ , unfamiliar.  No need to be nervous, she was with  _ them _ and that was all she needed to feel  _ safe _ .

Duke and Audrey enjoyed wine with their food, Nathan settling for a glass of water.  The food was wonderful, the atmosphere relaxed.

Duke was confused, wondering why Nathan had insisted on a date.  They’d kind of skipped that stage, gone from enemies, to friends, to fucking in a short space of time.  He asked the question, wanting to get inside Nathan’s head, find out what was going on.

“Because I wanted you both to know how much you mean to me and this seemed like a good way to do it.”  Nathan replied, not inviting further discussion about it.  He diverted the topic of conversation back to a safer subject.

It was a warm summer evening, balmy and scented.  It was too early to call it a night, so Nathan drove out to Kings Point.  Audrey and Duke had both had  _ slightly _ too much wine and it took them a few minutes to notice they weren’t going straight home.  Poking Nathan’s shoulder, Duke demanded to know where they were going.

“Surprise,” was Nathan’s curt response, the harshness of the single word offset by the crooked smile on his lips.

Duke slumped back into his seat, staring back over his shoulder at Audrey who shrugged in reply to the unasked question written on his face.  It wasn’t like Nathan to do anything spontaneous, everything had to be meticulously planned.  After a moment he realised where they were headed.  No doubt Nathan had his police chief hat on and just wanted to check that there weren’t any teenagers making out in cars at the lookout point.  It had been  _ the _ make out place when they were kids and he couldn’t imagine it had changed much since.  Could be fun...if it was quiet, and it probably would be once anyone there realised the police chief had arrived.

When they arrived, it was deserted.  Not a car in sight.  It was pitch dark, the only visible lights were down in Haven, twinkling and sparkling like stars.  They could just make out the sound of waves crashing on the shore, insects chirruping, an owl calling.

“Quiet here tonight,” Duke observed, stretching as he climbed out of the truck.

Nathan shrugged, glad they couldn’t see the blush on his face, feeling the warmth rising there.  “Might’ve had a patrol car come up and clear the place out.  Wanted it to be just us.”  Pulling a lighter out of his pocket, he crossed the parking area to one of the barbecue spots.  He’d planned ahead and only had to touch the lighter to the dry kindling and a small fire was burning.

“Isn’t it a bit warm for that?”  Duke asked.

“Light,” Nathan growled in response.  Honestly, Duke could be  _ so _ frustrating sometimes, he questioned  _ everything _ .

They all sat on a bench next to the fire, staring down at the town below them, enjoying the view.

“We did it,” Audrey said, softly, overwhelmed.  She hadn’t been up here since her first day in Haven, hadn’t appreciated how beautiful it was.  The thought of what  _ might _ have happened, what  _ would _ have happened if they hadn’t succeeded in stopping the Troubles, made her blood run cold for a moment.  She felt  _ strong _ , powerful even.  

“We actually did,” Nathan agreed.  “Haven is safe again.”  He would keep it this way for the rest of his life, would give his life if he had to, to protect the town and all of its people.

“ _ We’re _ safe again,” Duke added, wrapping an arm around each of their shoulders, drawing them close, not wanting to let them go, needing to be  _ near _ them.

Audrey rested her head on his shoulder, calm and relaxed.  Nathan fidgeted slightly, enjoying the heaviness of Duke’s arm around him but he was  _ nervous _ .  He moved away sharply.  Duke was about to protest when he caught a glimpse of the determination written on Nathan’s face.  He was going to say something and Duke wasn’t entirely certain he wanted to hear it, was  _ sure _ Nathan had just been buttering him up ready to let him down gently, to tell him that he wanted to be with Audrey.

Audrey looked at Nathan, surprised.  He was usually so solid, so still, an oasis of calm in a desert of chaos.  Fidgeting wasn’t like him.  At all.  When he was on edge like this, it was because he felt awkward about something, usually something he was trying to say.

Nathan’s nerves had been jangling all evening, wanting to make this  _ right _ , needing to make it  _ perfect _ .  He wouldn’t get a second chance at this and it was the  _ most _ nerve-wracking thing he’d ever done.  He dropped to one knee in front of them both.

Audrey’s heart gave a leap.  She’d known there was something going on, Nathan had planned the whole evening meticulously, it was perfect.   _ He _ was perfect.  She smiled, even as she felt tears building in her eyes.

Duke’s heart dropped.  Nathan was going to propose to Audrey.  He was happy for them, really, genuinely happy, but he couldn’t help wondering how he would fit into their lives as a married couple.  Nathan cleared his throat, getting Duke’s attention and it was  _ him _ that Nathan was looking at, as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box containing three matching rings.

“Duke Crocker,”  Nathan’s gaze moved to Audrey.  “Audrey Parker.”  He took a deep breath, trying to quell his nerves.  “I love you both, more than I ever thought was possible.  I can’t imagine my life without you.  Will you take these rings and accept them as my intention to spend the rest of my life with you both?”  He relaxed.  He’d spent days rehearsing those words in his head, was relieved he’d managed to get them out.

Duke looked stunned.  Audrey’s eyes were shining with tears as she knelt next to Nathan, kissing him even as she said “Yes, yes, of course I will.”  He’d known that would be her answer but it was still important to him to  _ hear _ her say it.  He wrapped her in his arms, holding her close as he looked over the top of her head.  “Duke?”  He said, reaching out to him.

“A-All of us?”  Duke replied, hesitantly.  “Forever?”

Nathan smiled.  “I promise.”

There was passion written on Duke’s face as he threw himself at them both.  He hadn’t known how much he’d needed to hear those words from Nathan, needed that symbol of their love.  

Audrey nuzzled into Duke’s neck.  “I promise too,” she murmured against his skin.  “Forever.”

Duke pulled them close, words deserting him.  “Forever,” he managed to choke out.  He kissed Audrey on the forehead first, then Nathan on the cheek.  “Thank you.  Both of you.  This means everything to me.”

Audrey flew at him, kissing him hard.  “We’re not letting you go, Duke.  You’re stuck with us,”  she said after she pulled away.  “If we have to show you every day for the rest of our lives, we  _ will _ make you believe us.”

Duke nodded, accepting, finally, that this was  _ real _ , that this was  _ forever _ .  A fire burned inside him, passion that he hadn’t known existed.  He had to  _ show _ them,  _ prove _ to them that he believed them.  He stood, his hands outstretched to pull both Audrey and Nathan to their feet.  

“Nathan?  I know this is your plan, but I’d  _ really _ like to take you both  _ right now _ and I’d rather not get arrested for it so could we go home now please?”  Duke asked, a smirk on his face as he looked deep into Nathan’s eyes.

Nathan returned the smirk and added a wink, opening the door of the Bronco so Duke and Audrey could climb into the back seat.  He started to drive.

Duke nuzzled the back of Nathan’s neck.  “The Rouge is closer.”  He drew back, pulling Audrey close as Nathan nodded his agreement.

Nathan drove steadily, carefully, trying not to be distracted by the sounds coming from the back seat.  Duke was being deliberately loud, knowing that Nathan liked to  _ listen _ , to  _ watch _ , positioning himself and Audrey so Nathan could catch glimpses in the rearview mirror.  

The drive didn’t take long.  Duke was first out of the truck, offering Audrey his hand as she climbed out.  His eyes were dark as he studied Nathan for a moment.  Moving quickly, he pushed Nathan until his back was against the truck, held in place by Duke’s hands on his shoulders.  Duke kissed him hard, desperately needing to  _ show _ Nathan how he felt, letting him taste the urgency on Duke’s tongue.  He rolled his hips against Nathan’s, grinning as he felt Nathan’s hardness against his own.  Nathan groaned loudly, flinging his arms around Duke’s neck, holding him close, not wanting to ever let him go, kissing him back.

“Nice show, boys, but I thought you wanted to take this inside?”  There was a hint of laughter in Audrey’s voice.  As Duke stepped back, she took his place, keeping Nathan pinned against the truck, standing on tiptoes to steal her own kiss.  She relished the warmth of Nathan’s arms wrapped around her, pressing her body lightly against his, letting him  _ feel _ her, wanting,  _ needing _ , to compensate for the years of  _ not feeling _ that he’d experienced as a result of  _ Mara _ .  Of her, really.  She would spend the rest of her life making it up to them, to her two men, who Mara had hurt so deeply, who _ she _ had hurt so much.

As they parted, Duke reached out, taking them both by the hand, leading them aboard the Rouge and straight into the bedroom.  He pushed Nathan onto the bed, staring down at him with a hungry look in his eyes.

“Stay there,” he growled, turning to Audrey and pulling her close.  He kissed her deeply, running his hands through her hair, tasting the remnants of wine on her breath, never wanting to let her go, remembering how they’d lost her, determined to keep her, keep them all, safe.

Audrey ran her hands up Duke’s back, feeling the muscles rippling as he moved against her.  She curled her hand around the back of his neck, holding him close to her as she shifted her lips to his neck, kissing her way down to his collarbone.  She paused, looking deep into his eyes, feeling  _ love _ and  _ wonder _ that he was  _ here _ , that  _ somehow _ he had come back to them.  The three of them, together, felt so  _ right _ .  Everything they’d been through together had brought them closer, had cemented their relationship.  She breathed in deeply, inhaling the scent of his cologne, of  _ him _ .

Nathan shifted slightly on the bed, his trousers feeling uncomfortably tight, admiring the view of them both, enjoying watching their pleasure as they kissed and explored each others bodies.  He watched as they slowly removed each others clothes, peeling one item off at a time, unwrapping each other like presents.  He watched as they entwined each other, kissing, touching, not an inch between their naked bodies.  They were both  _ so beautiful _ .

Audrey shuddered as Duke nipped her shoulder, pulling back just slightly.  It was so  _ intense _ .  He knew all of her sensitive spots, knew how to build the pleasure inside her, letting it rise slowly, in waves.  She could feel Nathan’s gaze on her and turned to look at him, smiling at the look of  _ want _ on his face, noticing the tent in his trousers.  She turned back to Duke.  “D’you think he’s been enjoying watching us?”  She said, her voice not completely steady.

Duke smirked back at her.  His voice was rough, gravelly, as he replied.  “Looks like it.  Do we keep teasing him, or…?”  He was interrupted by Nathan.

“Like fuck you will, get over here.”  Nathan’s voice was hoarse, his mouth dry as he spoke.  He loved watching them together but he needed  _ more _ .  He sat up, reaching out to them, pulling them onto the bed where they all collapsed in a tangle of limbs.

Giggling slightly, Audrey extracted herself, tucking in against Nathan’s left side while Duke stretched out along his other side, sandwiching him between them.  She kissed him, softly at first, then deeply, stealing his breath away.  Duke trailed his lips down Nathan’s neck, making him shiver, making him whine into Audrey’s mouth.  His fingers deftly undid the buttons on Nathan’s shirt as he dipped his head to kiss every inch of skin as it appeared, wanting Nathan to feel  _ everything _ .

Nathan’s eyes were dark, burning with desire as he shrugged off his shirt and kicked off his trousers and boxers.  He turned towards Audrey, pulling Duke in close behind him.  He bent his head, sucking Audrey’s nipple into his mouth, swirling his tongue around it, feeling the ridges under his tongue.  She moaned deeply at the intensity of the sensations, shockwaves pulsing through her body.  Nathan’s cock twitched at the sound of her moan and his breath caught as she lightly ran her fingertips over it, teasing him.

Duke ran his hands across Nathan’s back, firm strokes alternated with butterfly-light touches, every movement of his hands followed by his lips, concentrating all of his attention on making Nathan feel good, listening to each gasp, each moan, letting Nathan’s reactions guide him.  Audrey moved her way down Nathan’s chest, using her teeth here and there, gently nibbling at his skin, covering him in kisses, delighting in his reactions.

Nathan’s skin was on fire under their tender touches, he shuddered between them, trying to keep control, trying to communicate without words just how much he was  _ enjoying _ what they were doing.  He reached down, running his hand across Audrey’s thigh, making her shiver, relishing the way her breath changed, her movements distracted.  His fingers found her slick wetness, sliding across her folds, finding her most sensitive spot.  He pressed deeper, slipping his finger inside her, drawing a moan from her, her thighs parting to give him better access.

“Duke,” Audrey gasped out, reaching for him.  Instinctively, Duke knew what she was asking and shifted so he could slide a finger inside her alongside Nathan’s.  Her hips bucked towards their hands, encouraging them deeper, feeling both of them stretching her, getting her ready, wanting them closer.  Duke’s thumb found its way to her clit, stroking her there gently, lighting fireworks in her mind, making her groan with pleasure.  She couldn’t keep still, writhing against their hands, wanting more, never wanting it to end.  The orgasm hit her hard, making her cry out, lost in the moment.  She fell back, laughing slightly, her legs shaking, needing a break to  _ settle _ .

They wrapped her in their arms, giving her time to calm down, caressing her gently until she came back to them.  Audrey shivered under their touches, her skin over sensitive, almost ticklish, needing them  _ close _ but needing them to  _ stop _ .  She took their hands, communicating without words that it was too  _ intense _ , that she couldn’t take it, that even their breath over her skin was  _ too much _ .

Duke took his pleasure from  _ theirs _ , wanting nothing else but to make them feel good.  He turned his attention to Nathan, pushing him back, covering him with his body,  _ knowing _ that Nathan needed to feel him  _ everywhere _ , needed to feel that he was  _ real _ , that he was  _ here _ .  They kissed, long and slow and lazy, enjoying each other.  Audrey watched them,  _ her boys _ , her  _ men _ .  She loved to see them together, Nathan blushed with the flush of arousal, Duke’s eyes dark and  _ wanting _ .  She joined them, ducking her head between theirs, kissing them each in turn, nipping at Duke’s lower lip, barely-there kisses on Nathan’s mouth, teasing him, making him lift his head to follow her.

Duke slipped down Nathan’s body, kissing as he went, raking his fingernails across Nathan’s chest, making him arch his back, lifting off the bed.  Audrey followed him, curling herself at Nathan’s hip, Duke on the other side.  Their lips met above Nathan’s cock, kissing deeply.

Nathan shuddered at the feel of their warm breath on him, half wishing they could stay like this forever, half wishing they would just  _ get on with it _ .  The first touch of Audrey’s lips made him gasp, oh god he was sensitive and her touch was so  _ light _ .  Duke brought his lips down to match Audrey’s movements, kissing softly, licking gently.  They teased him slowly, letting his pleasure build until his hips were moving uncontrollably, unconsciously looking for  _ more _ , breathing quickly, just a hint of a whimper on each breath.

“Please,” he choked out, not even knowing what he was pleading for.

“Please what, Nate?”  Duke purred back at him.

“Just…”  He trailed off, unable to concentrate on speaking as Audrey wrapped her lips around him and sucked.  It felt  _ so good _ .  “Please,” he whimpered again.

“Is this what you want?”  Duke’s eyes were dark as he poured lube onto his fingers, moving his hand between Nathan’s thighs, reaching down, not needing Nathan’s nod of reply, knowing what he wanted.

“Audrey,” Nathan’s voice was somewhere between a gasp and a whine as Audrey did something with her tongue that made him lose all ability to think.  She did it again, enjoying his reaction, watching Nathan curl his fingers in the sheets, feeling herself ache deep inside, wanting him.

Duke slowly worked his fingers into Nathan, one at a time, stretching him open, getting him ready.  He watched Nathan’s face, reading his expression, taking delight in Nathan opening up for him, ready to take Duke inside him.

Audrey switched her attention to Duke, taking him into her mouth, savouring the taste of him on her tongue, his moan of pleasure adding sparks to the fire burning inside her.  She loved that she could do this to him, to  _ them _ .  It made her feel  _ strong _ , in control.

“Nate,” Duke’s voice was hoarse as he spoke.  “You ready for this?”

Nathan nodded.  “Want both of you.”  

They’d done this once before, Duke in the middle that time, had worked out the mechanics of it, they knew how it was going to work.  He positioned himself behind Nathan, both lying on their side, Nathan’s leg pushed forwards, giving Duke access, and slowly slipped inside him, feeling Nathan opening for him, yielding for him.  Once he was deep inside, he eased Nathan backwards, wrapping his arms around him, pulling him close, trying to convey  _ love _ and  _ forever _ in his touch, creating space for Audrey.

Audrey’s eyes were dark, her face flushed, as she watched them.  There was so much love between them, between  _ all _ of them.  Her boys, her  _ men _ .  Duke reached out for her, needing her to complete them.  She pressed against Nathan, feeling how  _ hot _ his skin was, hearing his ragged breath, seeing the  _ want _ in his eyes, smelling them both, so similar but so  _ individual _ .  She threw her leg over Nathan’s, shuffling slightly, letting him feel her wet heat against him before she slid down, enveloping him, feeling him hard inside her, filling her.

Nathan’s thoughts desert him, lying in between them, between his two lovers, only able to think how  _ good _ it feels, how  _ right _ it feels, how much he  _ loves _ them and he never wants this to end.  He allows himself to be carried away by the feelings, allows himself to be lost in the moment.  He can feel Duke’s hard muscles behind him, Audrey’s soft curves in front of him, can feel their breath on his skin, hear their breathing, can tell how close they all are to losing control, and it’s all so  _ intense _ that he can’t stop the soft moans that come with each breath he takes.

They rock together, slowly, gently, wanting this to  _ last _ , linking all three of them together, feeling powerful, cementing their love.  Audrey ducks her head, kissing Nathan’s neck, feeling his pulse pounding beneath her lips.  She reaches out, running her fingers lightly across Duke’s cheek.  He angles his head, seeking her touch, needing that contact.

“Oh god, you’re both so  _ beautiful _ ,” she murmurs.  She’s looking at both of them, and they’re both looking back at her, and she’s here, she’s real, she’s whole and they complete her as she completes them.  Neither of them can answer her, Nathan is still lost in the feelings of  _ them _ , Duke is battling his self control, not wanting to go too fast, to finish too soon.

Their rocking quickens, moving together, feeling every movement, building slowly, inexorably, to a crescendo.  Audrey peaks first, spiralling upwards, gripping Duke’s shoulder, arm thrown around Nathan’s neck, clinging to them as if they’re the only thing keeping her there.  She cries their names, again and again, as she comes.  Nathan follows a split second later, eyes dark, unfocused, barely able to  _ breathe _ , it’s so  _ intense _ .  Duke’s been holding back, waiting for them, needing them to finish first, and he shudders, his face buried in Nathan’s neck, fingers pressing into Audrey’s hip as the rush hits him and he comes with a low moan.

They hold each other, none of them wanting to let go, coming down slowly, basking in their love for one another.  They stay that way, enjoying the afterglow, never wanting to move, wanting this moment to last forever.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so this doesn't *really* fit with the rest of the story, but it was a loose end I wanted to tie up :)

**6 months later**

Duke fiddled with the piece of paper in his hands.  Audrey had given it to him, had come to him at the Gull one evening, wanting to see him alone.  Nathan had known what she was doing, there were no secrets between them, but it was Audrey who came to him, apologetic at first, worried she’d overstepped.  It was contact details for Jean’s adoptive parents.  Beatty was in touch with them, hadn’t given it a second thought when Audrey had asked for the information to give to Duke, had scribbled it on a piece of paper and said she hoped Duke would use it.  Powering up the computer, he wrote a letter, printed it and posted it before doubts could get the better of him.  Was he doing the right thing?

A few days later, his email pinged.  Heart lurching slightly, he felt sick as he recognised the name of the sender and opened it.  Pleased he was alone, he read it, scanning it quickly first, then reading it again.

_ Duke, it’s lovely to hear from you.   _

_ We’re all so glad you got in touch, Beatty said you might.   _

_ Jean is doing well, she’s a happy, bright, bubbly girl with an independent and stubborn streak which Beatty says must have come from you, haha.   _

_ We’re raising Jean so she knows she’s adopted, I’m adopted myself and it’s the way my parents raised me.  I hope to do the same for Jean as they did for me.   _

_ I know it must be difficult for you so I’ll leave it to you to get in touch - and please do, any time you want to know how she’s doing.   _

_ When she’s older, old enough to understand, I’d love to her to have direct contact with you - phone calls, letters, maybe even visits - but for now I think it would be too confusing for her.  I’ll let her know you’ve been in touch, that you’ve been asking after her, she’ll like to know that. _

_ You take care of yourself, speak soon, _

_ Joy and Peter Lewis _

Smiling to himself, Duke pocketed his phone and carried on with his day.  He’d made the first step, Jean’s parents were happy to stay in touch with him, he could play a tiny part in his daughter’s life, maintain a connection with her, she wouldn’t grow up hating him.  That meant a lot to him and he swung James into his arms, cuddling him as he leaned over to kiss Audrey on the cheek, leaving her wondering what he was so happy about.  He would tell them later, when he’d had time to process it himself, when Nathan was home, when they were all together.


End file.
